


Dark Blue

by intothemysticfic



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha Lee Taeyong, Alpha Nakamoto Yuta, Alpha Suh Youngho | Johnny, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Omega Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Omega Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22314601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothemysticfic/pseuds/intothemysticfic
Summary: Rarely do secrets stay hidden forever. Doyoung is running out of luck and soon his secret may be brought to light. Doyoung is an omega but no one knows. He’s drowning in lies, panic and shame that he’s mother forced on him a decade ago. Can his members save him before he drowns?
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 193
Kudos: 916





	1. Undertow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: In multiple chapters, there are mentions of attempted rape/ sexual assault of a child (Doyoung). No actual rape or assault occurs.

**Undertow** **  
**_Noun_ _  
_ a current of water below the surface and moving in a different direction from any surface current.

* * *

Doyoung counts his pills, sliding the dark blue capsules from one side of his palm to the other - 12, he sets one aside. One week four days - his mother will call soon with a time and place to meet, to hand him a gift bag with thirty pills dressed up as a present. Presented to him as something, he should be grateful for receiving. It makes her look like a doting mother caring for her son. There may have been a time when she was a loving mother - the type of mother that would kiss his skinned knees and give him sweets to replace the sour tang of pain. 

She isn’t that type of mother anymore. Now, she’s poisoning him, killing him slowly. Neglectful and malicious, she disregarded his well being the moment he presented. Turned from mother to disgraced alpha - she’s been trying to fix him since.

The pills are ruining him in new ways, doing untold damage. Years ago, he promised himself he’d stop taking them the second he left that house. He could quit.

Maybe.

Fear keeps him stuck in the familiar routine of count, swallow, repeat.

He slides his secret back into its plastic bag, re-taping it to the upper inside part of his desk drawer before shutting it away. Like he shuts away his instincts, keeping the demands of his biology hidden is so much harder than pushing closed a desk drawer.

The pill set aside, he swallows dry; it grates his throat, leaving a bitter aftertaste that will linger for hours, a foul reminder of his shame that he won’t be able to ignore. The burden he feels is a heavyweight on his shoulders, and it leaves an ache in his bones - a headache brewing at the base of his skull like thunder clouds in the distance. Sometimes he wishes the clap of thunder would bring with it a lightning strike that would set him free.

His thoughts get away from him, scenarios playing in his head in which he doesn’t have this secret to keep. He never lets himself linger on those thoughts for long. This is his life, and dreaming up any other is only a depressing self-punishment. He grabs the scent-blocking spray he keeps for appearance, absentmindedly spraying it a couple of times to give himself an excuse not to have a scent.

The part of himself that he hides cries out for comfort, acknowledgment - this too is routine. He’s hesitant to seek out support from the older members knowing that they are mature enough with enough experience to pick up on his subconscious queues - the way his sub-gender pushes to the surface without his consent. The need for acknowledgment and praise - leaning into touches, seeking out reassurance and comfort that can only come from a scent, could easily give him away. He needs the solidarity of omegas, the caring touch of an alpha, but those aren’t things he can have because only an omega would need them.

Instead, he heads for the dream dorm - the younger members are always happy to see him. He’s the older brother that regularly takes care of them. The way they greet him with grateful smiles makes him feel like a fraud because caring for them is a selfish act. He cooks for them and cleans their messes not out of love or kindness, but because in return they shower him with praise and affection. They never think it’s odd when he clings to them; they’re never put off by his lack of a scent. It’s not what he needs, but it’s so damn close that he can almost, almost, convince himself that it is enough.

Their un-presented status keeps them from properly smelling sub-genders. They never get sad like Sicheng or bitter like Ten when they’re unable to leave their fragrance on his skin because they can’t smell it. They never dismiss him like Taeyong, Johnny and Yuta tend to because their senses never demand they focus on the queues they pick up through smell. Soon, he knows, they’ll begin presenting, their senses will heighten, and he will lose this closeness he is able to have with them.

Renjun smiles sweetly at him as he’s picking up the glasses left littering the coffee table; it is the devil’s smile. “You’re the best, Doyoung. Thank- you for helping us clean up.”

Doyoung knows that the devious boy is up to no good, always being twice as likely to do something mischievous over something kind. Doyoung accepts the attention regardless, basking in it. 

“Will you bake us something sweet? Please, I really want something.”

He rarely gives them sugar, having learned his lesson between the boost of energy it provides the younger members and the way Taeyong scolds him for spoiling them. Still, the way Renjun leans into him, Jaemin catching on quickly and joining in, both clinging to him - he agrees, “Cookies?”

Both boys cheer, “You really are the best!”

Doyoung figures he’s not that great at anything else, but at least he can be good at this. He can not take care of himself, can not staple the edges of his lips into a smile, can not fill himself up with warm dough happiness. For them, he can ease the tension from their shoulders by shouldering some of their burdens, he can fake a laugh - make a joke spreading smiles across their faces. He can bake them cookies that do not taste like bitter chalk in their mouths but fill them with warmth. 

“Both of you have to help.” He knows it isn’t the best idea, but he wants to make them happy, he’s a liar who wants to keep them close.

Soon the small kitchen is full of people and sound. Renjun is being held tightly by Jeno, arms pinned at his sides by the larger boy for trying to leave a flour handprint on his shirt. Chenle’s distinct laugh fills the space around them, high and gleeful at the struggle.

Jaemin’s arm brushes against his repeatedly as he earnestly tries to learn the steps in making the cookies despite the surrounding chaos. He wonders if this is what home is like, is it what family is supposed to act like. If he thinks back far enough, he believes there could be a memory waiting, of a similar scene starring him, his brother and mother. 

Statistically, at least one of the boys around him will present as an omega, he has his suspicion that it will be the boy standing beside him. He would be afraid for Jaemin if Jaemin’s mother weren’t also an omega. Even if Doyoung’s prediction is correct, he knows that Jaemin will never be shunned for or forced to suppress his sub-gender. Jaemin, along with the other dream members, will have the support of their families and the rest of the group. 

He remembers how he presented early without warning.

_Sitting posture straight at the grand piano in the living room while his uncle looms over him, he assumes the feeling in his stomach is from the rigid position he is being forced to keep. His fingers dance across the ivory keys as his uncle watches, listens carefully. Feeling restless, he shifts, again and again, trying to find a comfortable position until the movement causes him to press the wrong key - his uncle stills him with a large, meaty hand on his shoulder._

_He expects to be scolded for making a mistake; instead, his uncle asks, “Do you know what is happening? Do you know why you’re feeling odd?”_

_He shakes his head, anxiety pulsing through his veins because he has no idea. Thumbs rub into his back a gesture he usually finds comforting coming from his mother, but his muscles tense under his uncle’s touch._

_“You’re going into heat.”_

_The revelation leaves him confused and uncertain. Questions are buzzing in his mind, he isn’t supposed to present yet, he’s only thirteen, he should have more time. He isn’t ready, afraid because he doesn’t know what to expect._

_“I could teach you how to be a good omega, would you like that?”_

_The words sound like a threat, makes his lunch tumble uneasily in his stomach. Suddenly the ocean is crashing over him, dark blue pushing him under, pulling him down. Breathing is hard, the suffocating underwater feeling is somehow preferable to the living room of his childhood home. The once familiar give of the areal rug beneath him becomes foreign, he finds more comfort in the current rushing heavy around him._

_A harsh slap across his face brings him back, his mother standing in front of him, he can’t recall when she entered the room. Lifting a hand to his stinging cheek, he realizes the ocean is leaking from his eyes._

_“Go to your room.”_

_The words are cold and harsh - he doesn’t understand. When he doesn’t move to follow his mother’s command, she yanks him by the arm pulling him through the house. He’s terrified as she shoves him into his bedroom._

_“Mom - mom, what are you doing?”_

_“You are not allowed out of this room - just stay here.”_

_He can hear the way the lock clicks into place from the outside._

_He doesn’t understand._

_His skin feels too tight, there’s an ache in his stomach that won’t fade no matter how much he rubs, tracing circles across his skin like his mother normal does when he doesn’t feel well. He’s too hot, but not burning, like playing outside in the middle of summer – a sun-baked warmth that’s just a little too much. There’s no sunlight here, no gleeful shared laughter with his friends. Alone in his room, there is silence and shadowed panic._

_Three days later his mother returns she replaces his blue tears and sharp fear with a blue pill placed on the palm of his hand. “Take this, and you can leave your room. This will fix everything.”_

_He tries to do as he is told, but the taste makes him gag. “I don’t like it! Mom, why do I have to take it?”_

_She slaps the taste from his mouth, replacing it with a burst of copper. The following day when she hands him a second pill, he doesn’t question her- grits his teeth and bears the taste._

There’s an aching in his bones, a soul-deep weariness that never fades – this is normal. Some days the pain is worse than others – memories of his childhood make the pain unbearable. The feeling, he knows, is a physical response to denying his biological needs. Headaches, vomiting, fatigue, cramps: he knows that his body is crying out for help, warning him that he is damaging himself beyond repair.

A frown mars his features; he excuses himself from the bustle of the kitchen. He heads to the bathroom opening the medicine cabinet, taking out a bottle of painkillers. They won’t help much, numb symptoms for a short while; still, he takes three cupping water in his hand to make them go down easier.

On days like this when surrounding himself with the youngest members does nothing to soothe him, when the pain makes his jaw clench, and his hands shake, he can’t stop himself from gravitating toward the alphas. Desperation coursing through his veins, he finishes the cookies with trembling hands. 

If the kids notice, they don’t mention it.

He seeks out Johnny first, but the oldest alpha is busy playing games with Haechan. He doesn’t dare interrupt - unwilling to bring attention to himself. He moves swiftly on to Taeyong but can’t find the leader anywhere. Yuta, he finds in the living room engrossed in some anima. He places himself into his orbit, hoping that he’ll reach for him. Even an absentminded touch can make his skin sing, an off-handed compliment can ease the pounding in his head. 

Setting at the opposite end of the couch, he plays on his phone, feigning indifference. He can’t ask for what he needs, can’t make it visible. The desperation makes him jittery. He can feel it when Yuta shifts, attention straying from the television.

He waits.

It’s Sicheng that Yuta calls out to as the Chinese man passes by the couch. 

That thunder cloud at the base of his skull expands, pain clapping an echoing ache that makes his ears ring. He tells himself that it is better this way, tries to assuage the emotions welling inside himself by reasoning that it could be worse. Because on the worst days, Johnny, Taeyong, and Yuta are cold, dismissive in a way that they’d never be with Ten or Sicheng. 

It doesn’t help.

They don’t know. Doyoung reminds himself regularly that they don’t know, to try and lessen the way his heart sinks and bile rises in his throat. They’d never cause him pain on purpose – he knows, but knowing isn’t enough to soothe instinct.

The pain is unbearable – it makes tears well in his eyes. 

Yuta is playful, swinging Sicheng’s arm requesting in a cute high pitched voice. “Sit with me.” They bicker back and forth as Sicheng makes him work for the privilege of having the omega in his company.

He lashes out.

“Can you two shut up?”

“Yah, don’t be so moody, Doie.” 

The cute way the alpha says his name does nothing to temper the way the scolding affects him. Vomit rises in his throat. He swallows harshly, grinding his teeth to keep the urge at bay. Afraid of what might come out if he opens his mouth, he leaves without a word or backward glance.

He berates himself for picking a fight, for lashing out. In the bathroom, he retches twice before he empties his stomach. No longer trusting himself to keep control, he locks himself away in his bedroom, hiding beneath a mountain of blankets. At the same time, he wills away the storm raging inside himself. 

The isolation reminds him of his mother and his childhood room.

He loses track of time between bouts of fitful sleep. The door clicking open stills his restless tossing. It’s Taeyong with soft apologies. “I’m sorry for not being here sooner, Doyoung.” 

A tender hand on his forehead to check for a fever that isn’t there. “You should have told Yuta you didn’t feel well. He feels bad for not noticing.” Nimble fingers thread through his hair, chasing away dark shadows. A grateful sigh falls from his mouth as some of the tension leaves him.

Taeyong worries and frets over him. Straightening his blankets, asking, “Have you eaten? Do you want anything? I’ll make you something?”

For a moment, Doyoung feels fine, except for the guilt bubbling in his chest, the voice in his head that tells him he does not deserve this comfort. A fragment of the truth slips out - “I just want you to stay with me.”

The alpha agrees quickly, settling onto the bed, his weight pressing gently against Doyoung’s burritoed form.

“You fall sick so often I think we need to invest in some vitamins.”

Doyoung can tell by the tone that the leader is only half-joking. There’s a forlorn dip to the words that Doyoung tries to ignore. He knows it worries the other members how often he’s crippled by headaches and bouts of vomiting.

“You know,” and Doyoung does know what’s coming, “If you didn’t use the scent blocker, we’d be able to tell sooner when you don’t feel well.”

The persistent comment makes him tense, turning to stone beneath the alpha’s attention. It’s a reminder that he will never be enough the way he is, never be able to live up to expectations because it will never be possible to go without the blockers. Even if he never bought another bottle, never used another drop, his scent wouldn’t return, hidden by suppressants. What would he be without the suppressants? 

Noticing Doyoung’s distress and trying to salvage the situation, Taeyong jokes.

“Be honest, you use them so you can work as hard as you want without anyone noticing that you’re pushing too hard. That way I can’t scold you.”

He tries to smile, to reassure his friend somehow while hiding the shame he feels. He knows what Taeyong really wants, knows what hides in-between every comment about his use of sent blockers. He knows the questions Taeyong is dancing around.

_“Why don’t you want to be part of the pack?”_

They’ve fought about it before, shouting back and forth because the other members don’t understand why he refuses – it hurts them. Aside from the dream members who can’t join the pack because they haven’t presented, he’s the only member of the group who isn’t a part of the pack. He knows it hurts Taeyong that the leader takes it personally because they can’t build pack bonds without exchanging scent, and he refuses to go even a day without using the scent blocker.

The younger members like to joke and make up theories as to why Doyoung always uses the scent blocker and what his sub-gender is to lighten the mood. No one guesses omega. If he were an omega, he’d have heats, and he’s never had one, his scent never has spiked, and he’s never complained, never sought out an alpha.

The kids debate between alpha and beta, usually settling on beta because he hasn’t had a rut. He envies alpha’s and their yearly ruts, pondering why omegas got stuck with the short end of the biological stick. Though the severity of heats and ruts varies between every person, only betas have neither. Omegas have other needs, other imperatives that must be met through closeness and largely the scents of other pack members, and omega almost requires a pack.

The leading theory is that he is a beta, coming from an alpha family - they think he’s ashamed.

No one ever guesses omega.

Taeyong presses a finger against his furrowed brow, forcing him to relax his face. “I’m sorry,” he says, cupping Doyoung’s cheek, “I don’t mean to upset you. I know you have your reasons and I respect that.”

It’s a lie, but a white one that Doyoung won’t press. He knows it will be brought up again, questions will be asked, and accusations made – he gratefully accepts the reprieve for now.

He’s tired and aching, a little delirious because he asks, “Will you lay with me?”

Taeyong, thankfully, doesn’t question it, just smiles, and takes up space beside Doyoung on the bed. Pressing flush against each other because Doyoung’s twin bed wasn’t built to hold two people. He breathes deep inhaling thoroughly - rose and cedarwood. It’s been so long since Doyoung’s carried a scent of his own he doesn’t remember what he smelled like - he wonders if it would blend well with the pretty alpha.

~.~.~.~

Jeno’s first rut doesn’t surprise anyone, though it does throw the dream dorm into chaos. Overzealous cheers and boisterous teasing from the other dream members as Jeno packs a bag to take to the 127 dorm. A precaution during the minted alpha’s first rut and a chance for the older members to dote on one of the dreamies. 

Jaemin and Renjun pull him aside to ask him to help bake a cake to celebrate the new alpha’s status. Doyoung puts on a smile, it’s forced, he wants to be happy for Jeno; however, his presenting is a reminder that Doyoung is losing. Jeno will be another member he will have to keep measured distance from, keep secrets from. Jeno is one more member that will unconsciously shun him. It won’t be long before all the Dream members present; it happening anytime between late teens and early twenties.

The two unpresented members cling to him, pleading. He is weak, caving in to their request without a fight. He takes mercy on Jeno, inviting the more rambunctious members shopping. On the way to the store, Haechan, Jaemin, and Renjun debate the best cake flavor. It’s Chenle that gets to make the final decision - a chocolate cake, draped with chocolate icing, and decorated with strawberries. 

They load the cart with more than what is necessary because he knows half the ingredients will be consumed before the cake is in the oven. Haechan sneaks chips into the cart, and Doyoung pretends not to notice. This prompts Renjun and Chenle to do the same. He takes the extra costs in stride, it’s a small price to pay for the way the younger members grin. 

The usual suspects crowd the kitchen. Jaemin and Jisung earnestly helping while Renjun and Haechan fight over unattended ingredients, Chenle delighting in the chaos of it all. Doyoung pretends to be annoyed, slapping away seeking hands, but he too is thrilled. 

“If you keep eating the strawberries, there won’t be any left for the cake.”

“I didn’t eat any,” Haechan mumbles around a mouth full of fruit.

Laughter ripples through the kitchen. Once again, Renjun is intent on marking the other members with flour handprints; without Jeno present to hold him still, he chases Chenle around the kitchen.

It’s a miracle the cake makes it into the oven in one piece. 

“We should clean up while the cake is in the oven.”

The kitchen clears out in record time. Though the kids return once the cake has cooled to help decorate. Doyoung made extra icing, and it’s a good thing because predictably, Haechan dips a strawberry into the chocolate to eat. 

“We have to make sure it tastes good before we put it on the cake!”

Any misgivings he may have had are forgotten, pushed to the back of his mind as he basks in the easy camaraderie with the members that are still un-presented.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always really appreciated - thoughts and critiques!  
> Thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoyed the first part.  
> I'm not great at tagging so if you think there's a tag I should add let me know please I'd be happy to add it.


	2. Riptide

**Riptide** **  
**_Noun_ _  
_ a strong current caused by tidal flow in confined areas such as inlets and presenting a hazard to swimmers and boaters.

* * *

Once a month, Doyoung meets with his mother, the members always pick up on the tension, the bitterness – it would be hard not to. Doyoung has a week of pills left – soon his mother will call and set up a time to meet, it's always a short, court affair. She'll pick a place for lunch, but he never eats with her just takes the gift bag she slides across the table.

This time she doesn't call. Instead, she shows up at the dorm. Doyoung's altered by the ruckus her arrival causes, it helps that Haechan shouts from the living. "Doyoung, Your mom's here." The suddenness of it leaves him frozen in place for several minutes before bolting for the front room. It's odd enough to get the attention of all the members, Doyoung curses the audience internally.

It's bizarre seeing her standing just inside the door. His mind races… I _s his grandfather dead? Is she dying?_ It has to be something catastrophic. 

"I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced – I just had to see my dear son. I've missed him so much." The term of endearment sounds awkward, leaving her mouth, she must realize it because a blush rises on her face. 

He can hear the ocean waves, water crashing against the shore. It's an effort not to lose himself to the soothing sound. 

There's a gift bag in her hand too large to hold his pills; still, he panics a little when she hands it to Johnny. Heart beating erratically in his chest - he has to shove back the desire to snatch it from the alpha’s hands. The water is not pushing against the shore but instead crashing against his legs. 

"Growing young men should eat plenty of meat." 

The gift distracts the members, she interrupts the abundance of gratitude to ask for a moment alone with Doyoung. Wordlessly he leads her to his room.

She is jarringly out of place, expensive pantsuit clashing with the messy room. Her eyes zero in on Doyoung's unmade bed, absently she begins straightening the covers. There's a buzzing in his ears that make it hard to focus when she speaks. Stumbling over her words in a way that he has never heard from her.

"I- I've made an error of judgment that I should apologize for, those pills. They were a mistake."

He struggles to understand, mind catching on her choice of words - _error of judgment_. Is that all his life has been to her, a wrong decision, such a simple mistake like picking the wrong colored shoes for an outfit. The ocean rises. 

"You shouldn't take those pills anymore." 

He clenches his fist to keep himself from shaking apart at the seams as white-hot anger bubbles to the surface, his voice doesn’t feel like his own when he lashes out. "You gave me those pills." 

He’s caught in the tide of his own panic, the ocean she has dumped him in. What is he without the pills?

Her own anger flairs, tone clipped, "I won't get you anymore. If you wish to continue this farce, you'll do it on your own." 

She makes it sound like this is his fault, like the pills, were his idea, and that coupled with the edge in her alpha tone makes his head hurt, eyes watering. What is he without suppressants? 

"This was your idea, you wanted this for me, you made me, I can't just stop now!" 

He's yelling now, unable to keep his voice from rising with hysteria, fear. He can't just quit. The noise in his ears gets louder, roaring sea of sound. Doesn't she realize what will happen if he stops taking the pills now? He's been on them too long, he can't stop now.

"I'm sorry – as long as you choose to continue with this, you will not be welcome home." 

With that parting shot, she opens the door to leave, he can barely make her out for the tears in his eyes. He can't help but snap back, scoffing. "Home? I've never had a home."

It's Taeyong, always protective, that steps into the hallway, interrupting the tension. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine," his mother replies, "I was just leaving." 

Then to Doyoung, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way, but perhaps it's for the best."

Blue, he's surrounded by blue, pushing him down, dragging him under. He is thirteen again, confused and terrified. He surrenders himself to the ocean tide. He wonders if this is what drowning feels like, it reminds him of piano lessons and harsh slaps. How could she do this to him?

This time there is no jarring pain, only Taeyong's steady voice to bring him back. 

"It's okay, everything's going to be okay." The alphas hand is gentle when it cups his face. 

"Just breathe." Taeyong doesn't comment when he flinches from the touch, only moves slower, telling Doyoung what he's doing before he does it.

"Nice and slow, in and out - breathe with me, Doie." 

His chest aches with the effort. He doesn’t want to breathe, but he turns himself over to the alpha following his gentle instruction. 

"You're doing great. Let's lay down so you'll be more comfortable - I'll help you."

Soft hands, gentle - nothing like those that guided him through piano lessons.

He lets Taeyong ease him into bed. Doyoung clings to him like he is an anchor. The alpha huddles close, stroking his hair long after his breathing has evened out. Doyoung buries himself deeply in those arms wishing to wear the safety of their embrace like a life jacket.

The next morning, as he sets at the table picking at his food, not feeling much like eating, no one mentions his mother. No one brings up the set of beef taking up space in the fridge that the members had been so excited to tear into the day before. The members filter in and out of the kitchen, eating and leaving. At the same time, Doyoung ponders, which is more pleasant - dry heaving until his stomach eventually ejects its acid or forcing food down to have something to throw back up. He decides that his hands are trembling too much to use the chopsticks anyway.

Taeil is the first to mention the fight, asking, "Does your mother not approve of you being an idol?"

He hadn't thought about what excuse he would give the members, mind stuck on the number of pills he has left. Six.

Nodding, he agrees readily to the excuse handed to him.

Six. Doyoung's stomach cramps, painfully.

It must show on his face because Taeil is pulling him close, arm draped around his shoulders. Pressed this close to the steady rise and fall of Taeil's chest, Doyoung realizes it isn't just his hands that are shaking. 

"Maybe she'll come around."

Doyoung barely manages to stop the scoff in his throat; it lodges uncomfortably, making it hard to force out an agreement. "Maybe." He doesn't mention how stubborn his mother is, how last night was the first time he had known her to change her mind about anything. He can't fathom her taking it back - doubts she'd forgive him for the way he talked back at her.

For just a moment more, he surrenders himself to Taeil's comfort, breathes in warm leather. 

6 days. 

144 hours. 

8640 minutes.

He wonders if he split the pills in half - could he buy more time. He wonders where drug dealers hang out - can't imagine his mother in some seedy place.

Pulling away, he says, "I think I'll go make sure the kids have eaten."

"Oh? But Jeno’s been wanting to spend time with you. He's rut's almost over, and you haven't spent any time with him."

"It's just for a little while."

They both know it's a lie, with Jeno in rut Doyoung has been spending more time in the dream dorm than his own room. He knows he shouldn't be avoiding the new alpha. He knows that it's suspicious. More importantly, he knows that it's hurting Jeno. He's terrified of the newly presented alpha rejecting him, turning away from him like the others so often do. It feels like he's one step away from exposure - he clings to the sanctuary that is the dream dorm.

He leaves early and comes back late - after the kids are asleep and he's meticulously cleaned the living room and kitchen. His new routine fails him when he returns, to find Jeno still awake.

"Doyoung, can we bake something together?" He asks when he catches Doyoung coming in. "I can't sleep." 

Doyoung doesn't have it in him to point out that sugary baked goods probably won't help. Jeno looks tried and crestfallen already, Doyoung can't bring himself to say no. He feels stupid for trying to avoid the kid in the first place. He agrees. 

For the most part, they work in silence, Doyoung explaining, how much and when to add ingredients. Jeno surprises him by apologizing, "I'm sorry if I've been… I don't know hard to be around, I guess." 

Doyoung is no stranger to hating himself: he hates his bunny-like teeth, his needy instincts, his sub-gender, his bony frame. Making Jeno feel like he needed to apologize is the newest contender for the number one reason why Doyoung hates himself. "You haven't been a bother Jeno. You haven't done anything wrong." 

The younger shrugs eyes trained on the batter. "You've just been spending so much time out- I thought maybe I'd done something. I know I've been… moody."

Doyoung wouldn't know - tries to reassure him anyway, "That's normal."

"It's just everything smells... more. And Ten was whining about wanting soda yesterday -I really just wanted to go get him a soda, but that's so weird." 

Doyoung laughs, "That's not weird - you wanted to provide for him." 

"But, it's _Ten_." 

He laughs harder at how displeased the younger looks. "Don't let him hear you say it like that, he'll be offended." 

"It's just a lot." 

Doyoung knows he's been adding to Jenos stress, tries to come up with a reasonable excuse. "Without you, in the dream dorm, I thought Renjun could use a voice of reason to keep him in line - they miss you." 

"So," Jeno finally looks at him, "we're good? You're not mad at me or anything?" 

"Of course, we're good. You're my favorite, remember?" 

Finally, the younger smiles, eyes disappearing into familiar crescents. Doyoung thinks maybe he can do this after all. Even if it ends up hurting, if Jeno turns him away eventually, he believes he can bear any pain for the boy standing beside him.

.~.~.~.

It does take everyone by surprise the way Jaemin's first heat follows just days after Jeno's rut ends. Maybe it shouldn't. Taeyong gets the call while they're at practice. A surprised "what?!" catching everyone's attention. The newly presented omega has requested Doyoung - Taeyong agrees without asking his opinion. 

Doyoung makes the younger boy his favorite dish when he arrives back to the dorms, taking his time. Avoiding the inevitable while wishing there was a way to stop time or to rewind it. Jeno filters in and out of the dorm dutifully, bringing everything Jaemin wants from the dream dorm. 

"You seem to have accepted those weird instincts."

Jeno shrugs, sheepish. "It's Jaemin." 

He takes an interest in the food Doyoung is cooking, "You didn't cook for me."

"I baked you a cake with the heathens."

Jeno coincides, "Fair enough. Can I help you cook?"

He shakes his head, "You better not let Taeyong catch you hanging around."

Jeno pouts, Doyoung knows it's been hard on the young alpha, so eager to provide and protect. No doubt when Jaemin finds out that Jeno's been sent back to the dream dorm, there will be a matching pout on the new omega's face. He's been taking full advantage of Jeno's instincts. As Jeno leaves, Doyoung tries not to feel too guilty about the lie, but he's still dodging the new alpha as much as possible.

Once the food is finished, he brings it to Jaemin in bed. Where Winwin is laying with Jaemin gently rubbing his stomach for him. The two are talking in hushed whispers. 

"Took you long enough," Jaemin whines, making grabby hands at the steaming plate of food. 

"Ungrateful," Doyoung teases in a huff. 

Doyoung agrees to look after the younger while Winwin heads out. He takes a seat on the bed beside Jaemin, hand gently kneading the youngers stomach. Jaemin appears no different than he did this morning. His scent has turned sweeter, more intense. It's pleasant, like fresh fruit. Yet everything has changed. 

He's happy for Jaemin, proud of the way the younger accepts his sub-gender. The younger seems quite delighted with his status, though Doyoung suspects that might have more to do with Jeno's status. It makes Doyoung wistful for comfort, happiness, that he isn't allowed to have.

Between bites of food, Jaemin asks, "What's your sub-gender?" 

Doyoung's hand stutters against Jaemin's stomach. It takes effort to keep his defensiveness in check, tamper down he's knee jerk anger. Jaemin must be feeling brave because he's in heat, and no one, regardless of their status, would do anything to upset an omega in heat. 

He jokes, "I'm just not as confident as you."

It sounds too much like the truth. Doyoung just hopes Jaemin assumes his lack of confidence comes from being a beta surrounded by the alphas in his family. Alpha mother, alpha father, alpha brother, alpha uncle, alpha aunt, alpha cousins, only the occasional beta or omega who married into the family. 

He's grateful when the younger doesn't press. Instead, he seems to ponder Doyoung’s answer - it’s worrisome. When he finishes his plate Doyoung tells him to get some sleep and excuses himself to take the empty plate back to the kitchen.

The next day he's panicky and running out of pills, he's lowered his does in the hope of stretching it out, cutting pills in half. It makes him paranoid, worried that his scent will bleed through. He can feel the difference. Instincts, he doesn't want to acknowledge tingling too close to the surface for comfort, like cat wiggle before it pounces.

He's snappish and moody in a way that the other members can't ignore, but they chalk it up to family issues. He yells at the younger members and picks fights with the alphas only to feel guilty after. He eats Ten's chocolate knowing it will leave the other omega seething. Unlike the other members Ten calls him on his shit.

"You're being a real asshole."

Doyoung glares, nose turned up like the words aren't true, like he didn’t eat Ten’s chocolate knowing full well what kind of reaction he would get.

Johnny tries to head off the fight calling out to Ten in warning - it does nothing to deter the younger.

"It's awful the way your family is being, but that doesn't give you the right to be such a dick."

He bristles at the mention of his family. "It's not my fault your such a whiny baby."

"Me!?"

"Both of you cut it out. Doyoung you know that stash is for his heat, you should replace it," Johnny scolds him, trying to take hold of the situation.

The reminder makes something ugly and feral rise in him, "Poor little pampered Ten and his fucking heat."

The way Johnny inhales lets him know that he's gone too far.

"I'm going out for some fresh air," he states before either man can say anything else, running from the consequences he’s sure those words will have. 

He's half out the door when he hears Ten yell, "You better bring my pampered omega ass some fucking chocolate back."

This can't continue, he knows. He knows what he needs. He goes on the hunt, seeking out someone who can get him what he needs quickly, and it isn't sweets. Wandering down back alleys and casing out nightclubs, no one has what he needs.

In desperation, he calls his cousin, hoping the older male will be able to find where he's mother had gotten the pills she gave him. It isn't his cousin who answers. He breaks out in a cold sweat like the man on the other line can reach through the phone to touch him.

"You're mother always did know how to ruin things. She ruined you. Perfectly fine omega, all these years on suppressants, you wouldn't be fit for use – I suppose it couldn't hurt to help out my favorite nephew." 

He gives Doyoung an address, a name – he feels dirty. His skin feels too tight. He feels thirteen and off-kilter.

The club is dark but far from seedy. Doyoung balks at the price stumbling over his words. 450. He wonders if his mother was looking out for his health or her wallet. He pays the money, has little choice, and wonders how he'll explain the missing funds to his members and managers.

He stops at the store on the way back but can't bring himself to buy anything to replace what he took. He can't recall what he craved during that first heat besides for someone to give him company. There is too much envy in him to replenish Ten's heat stash.

He arrives back to the dorm late; it's quite the members asleep, except apparently for Johnny, who is seemingly waiting for him. "You know whatever is going on, I'm here for you, we're all here for you, right? If you're acting out because of family problems, we understand, but you have a family right here if you want it." 

He does, he knows, and it hurts. 

He knows, and it makes him angry at himself. 

He knows, but he also knows that he is damaged goods - _unfit_. 

What is he without suppressants? A broken omega, useless. 

In a moment of weakness, he can't help himself, pushing flush against the alpha needing the comfort, needing a reprieve from the pounding in his head, from the fear rushing through his veins. He feels small and sullied - he hates how weak he is. 

Johnny welcomes him without hesitation, though a little worried. There's something familiar about the way Doyoung tucks himself to fit against Johnny. It makes something niggle at the back of his mind as Doyoung takes in deep breaths like he's trying to get as much of the alpha's scent into his lungs as he can.

When Johnny dips his face against the younger's neck to scent mark, even though he knows it won't take, Johnny thinks he catches a sweet smell, but the younger pulls back before he can analyze it. An apology falls from his lips as he rushes away, withdrawing back into awkward gestures and mumbled explanations. Johnny makes a note to himself to pay closer attention to the bunny, his gut telling him that something isn't right.

.~.~.~.

Concerts abroad are always hard. Unfamiliar beds, new roommates, and security gates, it's hard for Doyoung to stow away his pills. He's a nervous wreck every time. He tells the other members that he has a fear of flying. His secret is vulnerable when he's traveling. All it would take is one keen guard looking a little too closely at his bag to have everything falling down around him.

They divide into rooms randomly, he gets paired with Jaemin. The younger doesn't seem to mind, but Doyoung is weary. Since presenting the younger has been more interested in Doyoung's sub-gender, trying to scent him, and pressing about the things Doyoung keeps hidden. He tries not to let his hesitation show, eagerly embracing the younger omega. The boy cuddles up to him comfortably.

Once in the room, they talk for a little light-hearted conversation about the upcoming concert – it isn't often they get the chance to share the same stage. Doyoung hopes to distract from anything more profound by pulling up his laptop and offering to Jaemin. "Find a movie you want to watch."

Doyoung waits patiently for Jaemin to fall asleep, succumbing to jetlag, the boys breathing evens out. Leaving the movie playing Doyoung slips from the bed to rummage silently into his luggage, grabbing what he needs. His make-up bag in hand he moves to the bathroom, inside there is a small container with blue powder easily mistaken for eye shadow. 

His hands shake as he turns on the water. Desperation relentless like pounding waves, he plucks loose one of the metal trays of blue. Knocking the meticulously crushed pill into the palm of his hand, he licks it off like a cocaine-addicted chasing a high before dipping his head to the stream of water to chase away the terrible taste.

"Hyung?"

Jaemin stands in the doorway, hair mussed and features pinched. Doyoung's heart is lodged in his throat, it takes effort to swallow it down.

"Are you eating make-up?"

He's angry at himself and the innocent boy standing in front of him. Bitter that his carelessness could ruin everything, sullen at Jaemin's curiosity as the boy moves closer to get a better look at the dark blue substance. Doyoung snaps the lid closed quickly. 

"Don't be stupid," he scolds, tone harsh, "Why aren't you asleep?"

Jaemin gaps at him, floundering, concern warring with teenage need to rebel and obey.

"We have an early day tomorrow, and clearly, you need sleep because you're hallucinating."

He brushes past the younger, hitting the light switch as he goes plunging them both into darkness. His back to the younger in bed leaves no room for conversation, but he can’t sleep. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think?  
> I hope everyone enjoyed part 2!  
> Comments, suggestion, thoughts - always appreciated!
> 
> Who do you think is going to get the truth out of Doyoung?


	3. R.I.D

**RID** **  
** _recognition, intrusion, distraction_ _  
_The RID Factor refers to the probable causes of a swimmer drowning while a lifeguard is on duty.

* * *

It takes a few days for Doyoung's nerves to settle once they get back from Japan. He avoids Jaemin like the plague, it's painfully apparent but perfectly in line with his recent behavior. No one asks about it - he waits with bated breath for something to happen, to be confronted. All his free time is spent hiding in his bedroom, struggling to breathe through the weight on his chest. 

He takes comfort in the stash of pills in his desk, being back in the double digits. The pills offer him a sense of security; with them, he feels stupid for the way he behaved. Between the stress of almost losing his suppressants to nearly getting caught, he's been acting like a tool.

Soon guilt replaces fear, crawling under his skin. It makes him restless with the need to seek forgiveness. He slinks into the dream dorm like a dog with its tail between its legs ready to be scolded. Renjun’'s draped on the couch, whining that it's hot, the members around him hum in agreement. The room falls silent when they notice him.

"Do you want me to buy you some ice cream?" 

Taeyong and the managers won't be pleased, but he desperately needs to make up for the way he behaved. He's desperate to be back in their good graces, he misses the time spent with the dream members. The self-imposed isolation had been unbearably lonely.

"Are you feeling better?" Jaemin asks from his position on the floor, his features are downturned, sad. It makes Doyoung's stomach turn. 

"I am." He finds it hard to meet the younger's gaze, afraid of what he will see in the younger's features. Terrified of what the omega might be able to see in him. 

"I think Ice cream sounds great." Jeno offers as Jaemin continues to scrutinize him. "We can go down to the corner store and get some." 

As if summoned like crossroad demons Haechan and Chenle appear inquiring. "Ice cream?" It seems to break the ice, and the other members are cheering in agreement. Normal. Doyoung breathes a little easier.

In the end, it's him, Jaemin, and Jeno that go to retrieve the sweets. For a while the new alpha and omega chatter about the upcoming schedules, once they reach the store they break apart. Doyoung's eyes catch on the rack of chocolate bars, and he is reminded that the kids aren't the only members he needs to apologize to. 

Jaemin notices, "Ten's heat is soon, isn't it? Are you going to get him something?"

He isn't sure if Jaemin knows or not, the member's gossip, but he doesn't mention the fight outright, so it's hard to tell. His eyes sting, and his hands shake. Still, he finds comfort in Jaemin's steady presence, in the gentle cadence of his voice as he speaks, talking through the different kinds - explaining which ones are his favorites.

"Do you want one?"

Jaemin grins, grabbing the one he wants, it's easier this way, easier with Jaemin's smile, more comfortable with his own instincts buried beneath pills. He blindly grabs one for Ten too before rushing to get ice cream, so he doesn't think about it. 

It's easy laughing with the dream members, letting them tease him. Huddled in the living room eating ice creams he feels better than he has in weeks. It isn't until he goes to leave that things take a turn. It's such a simple thing. He ruffles Jaemin's hair as he passes the boy on the floor, Jeno opens his arms for a hug and Doyoung complies. The young alpha leans in, it's a subtle thing, a barely-there brush of his cheek against Doyoung's. 

Doyoung is aware of the tide. 

Jeno doesn't say anything, the broad smile that turns his eyes into crescents still in place. Fear is gripping Doyoung's chest, the tide is receding from the shore, the calm before the storm. He breathes in and out, knowing that the water will return with a vengeance - a tsunami. 

All he's fears are coming to fruition; Jeno tried to scent-mark him. He knows what happens next, is aware of how the alpha will start to act when the scent doesn't last. 

Numb, he tries to return the smile. It's an odd feeling - not feeling. He focuses on placing one foot in front of the other. Thoughtlessly he abandons the chocolate bar for Ten in his desk drawer before crawling into bed, hoping to sleep off the odd numbness that has overtaken him.

Doyoung wakes curling into himself, choking back a groan while clutching his stomach, cramping like barbed wire tightening around his organs. He buries his face into the pillow to muffle the sound of distress, gasping through the intensity of it. Doyoung must have been making noise in his sleep because his door is swinging open. He can't focus, figures it must be Taeyong.

"You're burning up." The words are tsked out, no tender lilt - not Taeyong but Yuta.

It'll pass, he knows. It's never been this bad. A moment of panic - he worries he's uncle is to blame. He knew better than to trust the man. Did the depraved bastard have him poisoned? The thought is gone as quick as it came - he is sure it's where he lowered his dose before.

Stupid, he's so fucking stupid - with a fresh supply, he'd gone right back to taking a full dose, doubling up the first few days in an attempt to get it in his system faster.

"We should get you to the hospital." He pulls away from cold hands, shaking his head viciously. Yuta makes a distress sound. "Doyoung, this isn't normal." 

He hates how upset the alpha sounds, hates how right the words are. " 'M Fine. Just need a cold shower." Even as he says it, he knows he's shaking too much for his legs to hold him. 

The alpha sighs. "How about a bath?" It sounds like defeat. 

He agrees, waits, biting his tongue through waves of pain as Yuta leaves to fill the tub with water. When copper fills his mouth, he gags shivers. He hates this. Hates everything so much. 

Yutas hands on his arms, pulling him up is a welcomed relief. It's short-lived, Yuta helps him to the bathroom, leans him against the counter before easing him out of his clothes. The cold water feels inadequate after the alpha's touch. Doyoung doesn't dare ask for more.

Yuta sits on the floor with his back against the tub on his phone. This is the nature of his hidden status - cursed and blessed. The lack of attention makes him choke on the pain, but he's so grateful for the inattentiveness that makes his secret easy to keep. 

"Do you know what's wrong?" If it were Taeyong he could lie, spin a convincing story, but Yuta is looking at him like he can see right through him. Doyoung knows he can't bullshit him. 

"Yes." He's toeing a dangerous line. 

"Are you going to tell me?" 

_I need you - please help me._ Maybe the alpha would pull Doyoung into his arms, soothe away every ache.

_I'm on suppressants, but I don't want to be._ Maybe Yuta would save him, ease him off the pills that taste like ashes and misery.

_I'm an omega - I'm sorry._ Maybe Yuta would forgive him for the lies he's weaved, for what he is, broken and weak.

Maybe.

_Maybe._

But - 

“No.” 

He sinks further into the water, letting it lap around his mouth and nose. He could breathe in, let the cold water seize his lungs. Yuta keeps talking, and he abandons the prospect.

"Does anyone else know?" 

"My mom." 

"Okay," Yuta levels him with a stern look, "I'll let it go for now, but if this keeps happening, you'll have to talk to someone. Agreed?" 

He nods solemnly. 

"Let's get you outta there before you turn into a raisin." 

.~.~.~.

"I'm just going to go out to get some air."

Taeyong tries to convince himself that it's the truth, Doyoung is stressed and needs time and space to clear his head. He desperately wants to believe Doyoung's words – he is filling the void of his mother with air, but Taeyong knows that it is more than that. Doyoung has always been tightly wound, now it seems like he is shaking apart. The swings in his mood are becoming unbearable. 

He has cleaned the 127 dorm spotless trying to distract himself and ease his stress – it hasn't been enough. He heads to the Dream dorm, usually Doyoung helps the youngest members keep it clean, but lately, he's been staying clear. This deviation is one more reason why Taeyong is worried. The place is a mess, clothes and dishes set about. He feels like he should scold the youngest members, Taeyong is so relieved to have something to clean that he can't bring himself to do so.

Jaemin is quiet watching him, it's a little unnerving, he doesn't think he can handle any more bad news. He knows that if something is bothering the youngest omega, he'll speak when he's ready. Taeyong hopes it's nothing serious. "Hyung," Taeyong smiles to himself, at least Jaemin is still someone he can predict. He turns to give the younger his full attention.

"Is Doyoung okay?"

Oh, how he wished he knew the answer to that question. He sighs, not wanting to worry Jaemin but not wanting to lie either. He settles for, "I think he's just having a hard time right now – I know it's tough because he's always so private, but we just need to give him time."

He seems unsure, nervous, it sets Taeyong on edge.

"I think – when we were rooming together…"

"You can tell me."

"I know that it's just, it might be nothing. I just thought I saw him…"

Taeyong waits patiently.

"He had an eye shadow case, but all the slots had the same color. I think he ate it – he said he didn't, and I had just woken up, so I'm not really sure."

Taeyong doesn't know what to make of the information. It's clear the younger is distressed, Taeyong moves to comfort him, reeling him in and wrapping him securely in his arms.

"Is Doyoung doing drugs?"

The thought had never crossed his mind, but now that the seed has been planted, he can feel it taking root. The late-night excursions, the mood swings - could it be? 

"I don't think you need to worry about that. I'm glad you told me, and I'll keep an eye on him, okay?"

"I miss him – he hardly comes around anymore."

"I promise he'll be okay."

He's glad the younger doesn't press him on how he can know, because he doesn't. Taeyong finishes what he's doing, tidying up before leaving to hunt down Johnny. He's hoping the older alpha will be able to reason him out of this terrible possibility that has taken root, but Johnny's not in the dorms.

.~.~.~.

The club is dazzling, he thinks he's seen the DJ before, he has no trouble entering the VIP section. Not because he's an idol but because they're expecting him. He worries he stands out too much in this environment - clothes too casual to be club-worthy. Is that his heart he can feel in his throat or the bass? His uncle's friend, business partner - he isn't sure, grins wicked waving him over like it's supposed to be inviting. It only sends his skin crawling. With effort he steadies his breathing, in and out. 

"Welcome back, little omega." 

His teeth ground painfully. "Don't call me that someone could hear." Hissed from between his teeth. 

Natural lift of the shoulders, uncaring, in a way that Doyoung will never be allowed to act. He pulls out the money from his pocket and sets it on the table, waiting impatiently for what he came for. The older man clicks his tongue. 

"Still in such a hurry." He makes no move to produce the pills. "I enjoy your company. It would be a shame if I let you run off so quickly." 

Bile rising from his churning stomach and he can taste it, why can't anything go the way it's supposed to. 

"Have a seat," he indicates the spot beside him. 

Doyoung doesn't move. He wonders when the ocean will return. 

"Little rabbit I don't like being kept waiting. I do have something you need, after all." 

Unsteady, he moves. He tries to keep distance between them, the older man allows it, laughs at him. 

"Oh, it looks like we have company." Before he can look up his mind snaps to his uncle, the familiar figure approaching them is almost worse. "Johnny?" 

"Everyone's looking for you, we need to go." 

There's a hand near his neck, too close, pulling him flush with the body next to him. "So soon?" 

Overbearing tobacco and acrid smoke fill his lungs, his breathing shallows to avoid the smell - it's useless the stench will haunt him. Massive palm settles against the exposed skin of his neck. He hates it. 

_Hates it._

"We have someplace we have to be." Johnny says, confident and steady, no discernable tick to give away the lie. Doyoung knows it is a lie, though. 

The man stands up, pulling Doyoung with him but keeping him close. His hand travels down Doyoung's back eyes on Johnny and the way the young alpha's jaw works. Doyoung almost pulls away. Almost but there something between the hand and his back. Something being slid into his back pocket. He is a slave to his biology, a slave to the pills that keep his secret. He doesn't pull away, lets the hand settle where it wants on his waist, the relief from having what he needs makes him pliant. 

"What a shame," to Johnny, then to him, "See you soon, little rabbit. 

He follows Johnny, his posture rigid. Doyoung feels like he might shake apart. A few blocks away from the club, Johnny yanks him into an alley boxing him against the brick wall. The scratch against his bare arms is comforting, it gives him something substantial to cling to. Johnny is fuming, shaking with it, Doyoung's not sure he's ever seen the older man this worked up. "What the hell are you doing?" 

Then as if finding a better question. "Who the hell was that?" 

A lie without lying. "An associate of my uncles - they do business together." He shrugs a poor mimicking of the move he'd seen the older man do earlier. 

"Why are you meeting with your uncle's associates?" Then once more something more pressing. "You - can i?" 

Johnny doesn't wait for an answer, large hands deceptively soft settle against his skin. "You let him touch you." 

Doyoung isn't sure if it's disappointment or bitterness he hears in the alphas' voice, it makes him bare his neck in apology. The heavyweight of Johnny's hand on his neck is comforting - settles his nerves. He hates seeing Johnny like this, worked up, agitated. It's all his fault. He grinds his palms into rough brick no doubt leaving scratches. His lungs constrict - he takes larger inhales because he can't breathe. 

Then the stench gives way to moss, and he feels at home. Johnny's crowded so close that he can rest his head on his chest, lean in, abandon all thought to the sensation, anchor himself to this moment. 

"You've got to tell me what's going on. _Please._ " 

He could tell the truth- maybe. 

Maybe this nightmare would finally end. 

Maybe Johnny would make it better like the alphas in the fairytales he read as a child. 

Maybe. 

Rabbits aren't known for their bravery and perhaps the nickname that has plagued him since childhood is more fitting than he initially thought. He outgrew the notion of happily ever after at thirteen - alone and afraid. He can not bear his secret for a maybe; instead he offers an excuse. "It's a family matter." 

Johnny stills, and Doyoung knows he's said the wrong thing. His mind snaps back to the kitchen Johnny telling him that he has a family with the pack if he wants it. Johnny pulls back, "I'm sorry - I shouldn't have." 

Not _family_. 

Not _pack_.

Not _omega_. 

No reason to scent him, no reason to comfort him, no reason to... 

Doyoung doesn't know how to tell him that he doesn't mind without giving himself away. Before he can even think of how to fix the mess he has made Johnny is leaving the ally. "We should get back, Taeyong really is worried about you."

A distressed whine builds in his throat; he does his best to swallow it back. If Johnny hears, he doesn't acknowledge it. The pain sharpens, a bowstring pulled taut, snapping from the presser. He remembers this feeling - it is the moment before the flood, the stillness before a tsunami breaks to land. Listlessly he follows the retreating alpha. Cars pass without sound. He tries to focus on walking, breathing, getting back to his room.

.~.~.~.

Ten knows that he shouldn't, that he has no excuse for what he's doing, sneaking around and breaching Doyoung's privacy by going through his stuff, but he can't help himself. He's used to Doyoung being prickly and moody; lately, he's been taking things too far. Like snatching chocolate from his heat stash, far.

Digging beneath the bed and shifting through his dresser, opening every box finding nothing, his attention shifts to the desk, pulling open the drawer when Doyoung enters. It makes him yank too hard, the whole thing tumbling to the floor. Ten is quick to apologize, dropping to the floor to clean the mess, fumbling for an excuse. 

For a tense minute, Doyoung says nothing, there's an eerie blankness in his eyes. Suddenly, he comes to life, slamming the door closed. "What are you doing!?"

Doyoung shoves at him, haphazardly tossing his things back into the drawer. "Just get out!"

It doesn't make sense - the way Doyoung is shaking out of his skin, the intensity of his reaction. Until he moves to slide the drawer back into the desk, plastic and tape catch Ten's eye. He can't stop himself from pulling it free. Doyoung's eyes are wide as he snatches the bag from Ten's hand. 

"Why the fuck won't you just leave?" 

Pills – "what are you a druggie now?" Ten is angry too because how could Doyoung risk all their careers for a high. 

"It's not like that!" 

"I'm telling." The grip on his arm is harsh, bruising. 

"Damn it, Ten! I'm not getting high." 

"Oh, really?! Then what are these?" 

There's a surge of tears rushing down Doyoung's face. A sorrowful admission that doesn't make sense, but stops Ten in his tracks. 

"I didn't - I didn't want to take them."

It's startling to see the other man choking on his cries. Fear prickles up Ten's spin. "What are they?"

"Suppressants, they're – I'm – You can't tell anyone. Please." 

The admission makes Ten's head spin. 

"Why?" He wonders if this is why Doyoung's been avoiding Jaemin because he's prejudiced toward his own sub-gender. 

"I had to - I have to."

"What do you mean? You have to explain it to me."

"My mom made me take them."

The words settle over Ten, make something feral and protective rise in him. He is reminded of Doyoung's family full of alphas. He wonders how a mother could do something like this to her child. 

The Tsunami hits. Doyoung can't breathe, isn't sure he wants to. Caramel envelopes him, and he wonders idly if he could ever smell as sweet.

"Doie, please, you're going to make yourself sick."

He thinks maybe the ocean is leaking from Ten too. He leans in to lean muscle, surrenders himself to sweet caramel, closes his eyes to keep the water in, and surrenders himself to the ocean. He'd rather drown than face his sins. 

A distressed sound builds in Ten's chest as Doyoung goes listless in his arms. He gathers Doyoung's limp form tighter to him, trying desperately to soothe the other. He wonders how Doyoung has lasted this long, dealing with the pain that must have come with rejecting his instincts. 

The door clicks open. "Is everything okay? I heard…" The words taper off as Taeyong takes in the picture before him - the mess on the floor, the two members huddled together. 

"Hyung." The despondent plea in that single word nearly makes Taeyong freeze up in fear. Once more, his eyes filter across the room, catching on Doyoung's unmoving form. As he steps forward, Ten curls tighter around the man in his arms. "Ten," placid, "What happened?"

The younger trips over his words, filtering between languages that Taeyong can't understand. As he gets close, he takes comfort in steady movement of Doyoung's ribs expanding and deflating. Kneeling to be eye level with Ten, to be able to reach out and feel the motion of Doyoung's breathing - he works to stay calm. It's hard with the usually bubbly omega, looking so forlorn.

"I can't understand." He wonders if he should call for Johnny. Frustration pinches the younger man's features as he huffs before taking a breath and starting over, slowing in stilted Korean.

"He's sick - hurt." Doyoung's breathing picks up, turning ragged. "He's been taking pills - suppressants."

Taeyong feels ill-equipped to deal with the situation - inadequate, foolish. He takes in Doyoung's pale skin, and his thin body takes in the way the younger is breathing. "It'll be okay." He doesn't know if he's trying to calm himself or Ten or making a promise to Doyoung.

Cedarwood, alpha, gentle hands, calm voice battles through murky water. "It's okay, Doie." 

A lie. Doyoung aches, from his head to his toes, deep to his bones - the weight of water, the burn of it in his lungs. Sunk so deep into the ocean, the water is black. He's terrified, betrayed by his mother, his biology. 

Tender coaxing, persistent, forces the water to yield. Pulls him back. Disoriented, he's in bed, Taeyong smiling down at him, there's no disgust in his eyes, no venom in his words. "That's it - you're doing great."

He isn't doing anything at all.

"You can rest now. You're safe now."

He falls asleep in a field of roses surrounded by tall cedar trees, believing the words.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait - things have been a weird kind of crazy but I'm committed to finishing this!
> 
> The secrets out! Next chapter is confrontation and comfort, heavy emphasis on the comfort. What pairing are you most looking forward to seeing?
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter!


	4. AVIR

**AVIR  
  
** _Aquatic victim-instead-of-rescuer syndrome_

Refers to drowning incidents in which the initial victim survives but primary rescuer drowns.

* * *

Doyoung's chest rises and falls in a steady, shallow rhythm, Taeyong's hand rises and falls with it. He can't seem to withdraw himself - terrified that if he dares to even look away, he will miss something else. It isn't until Ten rests his head next to Taeyong's thigh on the bed that the alpha notices he's crawled across the floor. Tears are wetting his cheeks, and Taeyong tries to brush them away, but they're replaced by fresh ones. He fears there isn't much comfort he can offer Ten. 

He looks to the mess on the floor and moves automatically to clean it - anything to steady his hands. Meticulously he picks up every item off the ground, placing it back in the drawer it belongs in before sliding the drawer home. Then there's only the pills left, stark against the clean floor. He picks them up: tiny, blue, round, three. He shoves them into his pocket, reeling.

Breathe - he reminds himself to breathe. He thinks of all the times Doyoung met with his mother, then the times he left for air, like clockwork. _Three._ He doesn't want to invade Doyoung's personal space. The skinny jeans look uncomfortably tight. He reasons it's not an invasion of privacy - he's doing it for Doyoung's comfort. He eases the sleeping man out of his pants. He feels the lump in the back pocket and finds more pills. It makes him feel stupid, incompetent.

"I need to." Taeyong starts, but there's so much he needs to do, he doesn't know where to start, he knows he doesn't want to leave.

"I'll stay with him." 

Ten hasn't moved, head still placed on the edge of Doyoung's bed, legs curled beneath him, vigilant. Taeyong takes solace in knowing that Ten will be with Doyoung.

There are so many thoughts racing in his head they create white noise - he tries to sort them out, failing. He enters the kitchen to find it full of late-night snackers. Jaehyun, sitting at the table with Yuta and Sicheng, doesn't look up from the bag of chips he's eating when he speaks. "That took a while, what were they fighting about this time?" The words are playful and easy because while the members fight, it's never serious, and Ten and Doyoung are known for their bickering.

The answer gets stuck in Taeyong's throat, he doesn't know how to explain, how to breach the tranquility of this moment. Yuta pokes Sicheng in the ribs, making him laugh, then whine for him to stop. Familiar - it's so typical Taeyong feels culpable because he fears none of them will ever be normal again. 

Johnny standing at the counter phone in hand, breaks the silence, "Is everything okay."

The pressure builds behind his eyes. He blurts, "Suppressants."

The confusion in the room is palpable - everyone turning their attention to him. "Doyoung has been taking suppressants. He's um - he's an omega." It hurts him to say. It hurts because he knows wittingly or not; he has caused Doyoung untold pain.

"Is this a joke?" There's anger in the oldest alpha's voice, but one look and Taeyong can see the fear in his eyes. 

He shakes his head, fishing into his pocket, offering up the pills as proof. The sound of Sicheng pushing back his chair breaks the silence.

"He's sleeping." A warning to be quiet, but not an effort to detour the younger. He knows the omega must be desperate to comfort. Scared and terrified for Doyoung.

The questions follow - he's ashamed he doesn't have the answers. 

"How long has this been going on?" 

'What do we do?" 

"Why would he do this?"

"Is he going to be okay?"

Johnny snatches the pills from Taeyong while his head’s still spinning from the questions. Heading toward the sink, obviously intent on getting rid of the offending pills, but Yuta is quick to stop him, blocking the sink.

"Calm down. We can't throw the pills out - Doyoung can't just stop taking them. He needs to see a doctor."

"We'll need to tell management." Taeyong adds.

They'll have to cancel schedules, rework events. Doyoung's health will need to take priority, and he'll need the members' support. Johnny is fuming, fist clenched. "How did we miss this?"

The room falls quiet because that's the million-dollar question, isn't it? Three alphas, four betas, two omegas - the recently presented not included, and none of them noticed. Taeyong doesn't know how that could be, what he does know is that. "Doyoung was upset - he's not going to be happier when he wakes up."

He thinks about how easily Doyoung has always fallen ill, headaches, fatigue, and bouts of vomiting. How much of that had he caused with careless words and actions? He's pulled from his thoughts.

"What's wrong with Doyoung?" Haechan inquires from the entryway.

Taeyong is reminded how close Doyoung is with the younger members - this is going to hurt all of them. He thinks about lying, about telling Haechan to go to bed, but he knows that will make the younger boy madder when he finally finds out. "Are the others still awake?"

Haechan nods.

Taeyong looks at Yuta and Johnny, "I think we should talk to everyone at once."

If it's a terrible idea, he figures one of them will speak up, neither of them does. Instead, Yuta says, "We should do this in the dream dorm," and Jaehyun volunteers to go get Taeil. Taeyong figures it will be like pulling off a bandaid. 

It's nothing like pulling off a bandaid.

.~.~.~.

Breathing is easy, awareness comes to him slowly, the ebb of the tide kissing the shoreline. There's a weight on his bed, whispers around him that don't belong to early mornings. Dreams of fields of roses get washed away with the tide, and suddenly he's afraid to open his eyes. The room is too sweet, but he is too warm to fake sleep. 

Sicheng sits on the edge of his bed, features pinched in a way that sets Doyoung's heart racing. His attention is drawn to Ten when the omega shifts setting up from where he must have had his head resting on the edge of the bed. Anger swells inside of Doyoung like a tidal wave crashing over him and unleashing in harsh words. He's intent on crushing Ten with him, because if Sicheng is here on his bed, then the others must know too. 

"What the hell did you do!" A myriad of emotions threatens to overtake him, crashing into him one by one, unceasingly. He feels like a dory being overwhelmed by water, the deep sea ready to swallow him whole. He latches on to anger like a lifejacket hoping it will keep him afloat. "Why are you even here?!" 

Ten doesn't flinch, doesn't turn away from the harsh words, he's never been one to take a beating. "You were killing yourself!" 

"It's none of your damn business Ten - it's not anyone's business." 

"Doyoung, it's okay." Sicheng tries to placate, grabbing his arm gently. 

Doyoung hates it. Hates the platitude, the sympathy, the lie; because, it isn't okay. He isn't okay. He yanks his arm from Sicheng, knocking Ten over in his hast to get up from his bed - uncaring. He's in his boxers, he searches for his pants, turning the pockets inside out when he finds them, desperate. He needs his pills. 

"Taeyong took them - all of them." 

Fear bubbles inside of him, pushing the air from his lungs and making it hard to take in air - there's no room left inside of him. This can't be happening.

"Doyoung you don't need them." 

This is all Ten's fault. The words make him seeth - Ten could never understand.

"Don't tell me what I need! Don't talk to me! You don't know anything!" He's advancing on Ten with every word, intent to hurt like a wild animal cornered. "You're just the perfect little omega with the perfect little family." 

Arms around him, pinning him to the broad chest behind stops his ranting - his stride. The emotions inside him simmer. Pitifully he hisses. "I hate you." 

He knows the words aren't true, but a tiny dismal part of him wishes they were. He's surrounded by blooming magnolia trees - Yuta. Ten leaves the room, his head held high, Sicheng follows, says as he passes. "It's okay to be afraid, Doyoung." 

"Are you going to tell me now, or would you rather talk to someone else?" 

He doesn't say anything, leans back further into the alpha's hold because the last thing he wants is for Yuta to leave. 

"That's okay. We can start with this - here." 

Blue, in the palm of Yuta's hand, tiny and everything Doyoung needs, but... Yuta has always been able to read him like an open book, the hesitation is clear, the uncertainty, the fear. "You'll make yourself sick if you stop suddenly." 

"You said your mom made you. The two of you fought, and you stopped taking the pills, didn't you? That's why you ran a fever - the bathtub." 

Doyoung nods. 

"How about another bath - you're really tense." 

Another nod and Doyoung lets himself be led, moved like a doll, stripped, and placed in the tub. All the things he couldn't say last time spill over his lips. "I never wanted to take them." 

This time Yuta isn't on his phone, but he keeps his gaze off of Doyoung. He's grateful, it makes it easier to speak. "I presented early," he plays with the water watching as his hands cause ripples, "Thirteen. I shouldn't have." It always felt like he's fault - like he did something wrong, something to deserve this affliction. 

Yuta cuts him off. "It doesn't matter that you presented early Doyoung. It happens sometimes - there's nothing you could have done. There's nothing wrong with presenting early." 

The words wash right over him - he isn’t so sure. Certainly, it had to be his fault; why else had he been punished so harshly?

"It was during piano lessons - my uncle." He stops, the water shifts around him, laps at his face, he doesn't sink under, he is so sick drowning, of the hopeless, panicked feeling, the lack of control. "He offered to show me to be a good omega." 

The admission feels like freedom as the words pass his lips. Those words carry so much in them. Doyoung wasn't stupid at 13, and he isn't dumb now - he knew what it meant. 

Yuta turns to him, fire in his eyes, it's clear he knows too, with warm hands he chases away the water streaming down Doyoung's face. Funny how the ocean can sneak up on him like that. 

"You were the perfect omega the moment you present because you presented - no one can teach you how to be who you are." Doyoung wants that to be true; he's spent so long pretending. 

"If you let us, we will help you - we want to help. No one in the pack is going to hurt or force you to do anything you don't want to, I promise." 

He nods. He wants to believe, wants to trust; it sounds too good to be legitimate - he doesn't deserve it. 

"Now let's get you out of there before you turn into a raisin."

It makes him smile weakly, the normalcy in Yutas' tone. Yuta helps him out of the tub, wraps him in a too big towel, the care and attention makes him hazy with contentment. Taeyong's waiting when they leave the bathroom. "I made you a doctor's appointment - do you think you're up for it?" 

Exhausted Doyoung leans into instinct instead of surrendering to the ever-present tide. He looks at Yuta. 

"I'll be there. Taeyong, too, if you want." 

He agrees with his heart thundering in his chest before he can think better of it. He worries he's too complacent. Dazed, he lets Taeyong pick out his clothes. Maybe he's in shock, perhaps he's finally snapped. He follows the alpha's lead. 

The car ride feels like a dream, floating in the clouds. Being in the parking garage of the building is intimidating; he refuses to move from the car, not wanting his shame to be put under the spotlight. Taeyong is gentle in coaxing him out, soft words and gentle hands. "I know it's a lot, but we'll be right there with you. You can do this."

The receptionist is old and friendly, they take him back to the exam room, and give him a stack of papers to fill out. The questionnaire looks daunting - he wonders if he could get away with lying - figures there's no real point. Taeyong helps by filling out the sheet asking for his basic information: name, date of birth, address. Yuta keeps a steading arm wrapped around his shoulders - it helps to keep him from drifting off to sea. 

The questions are hard to answer and not just because he doesn't want to do it. There are several questions about his heat: average length, range of pain, etc. that he has no answer for. Basic health: symptoms, complaints. He's honest about the headaches, the vomiting, the loss of appetite, the whiplash of emotions, the cramps, and how much they hurt. Yuta doesn't comment, but Doyoung knows the alpha is reading over his shoulder. 

He hesitates on the questions regarding his sexual history/ activity, embarrassed he answers anyway as honestly as his modesty will allow. He's had sex before, experimented with guys and girls, presented and non-presented in his pre-debut and trainee days. All anonymous because no one that knew who he really was could find out that he was also an omega. With that kind of intimacy, the truth was often hard to hide. That's the part that makes shame flare in his gut because it was curiosity, a desperation to feel normal - none of it actually meant anything.

The doctor is all smiles when she enters, kind. She takes the packet and explains that she'll need to take blood, it makes him queasy. Then there are scans and more questions as she pokes and prods at his stomach. She asks about the pills. Yuta hands them over, no longer in a plastic bag but an old over the counter pill bottle. 

She examines them, notes. "These are good quality - that's great news; it means the long term damage might be minimal. It also explains how you were able to take them for so long without serious complications." 

She explains potential health problems and lays out a plan to ease him off the pills, explaining what he can expect each day moving forward. He can't focus on the words, they're warped and unidentifiable when they reach his ears. Finally, she hands him a card. 

"Therapy" That gets his attention. "Is a requirement in these situations. I want you to start tomorrow. We need to get you off the pills as soon as possible, but your mental health is just as important - I'm sure this has taken a toll on you." 

Taeyong promises her he'll go - he isn't so sure. 

By the time they get back to the dorms, the haze has lifted. Doyoung's mood shifts, so suddenly, it makes his own head spin. Doyoung is sick of Yuta touching him; he hates it - feels restless and wrong. He's fed up with Taeyong's gentle words; it's foreign, sets him on edge. Terrible rivulets of doubt and self-loathing stream into his consciousness. 

It's too much. Doyoung's skin is buzzing, warmth filling him up, but he can't tell if he likes the feeling. 

He snaps," Just leave me alone - you never cared before." 

It's unfair, a cheap hit that he feels guilty for taking. The warmth dissipates. Yuta takes it in stride, but Doyoung can tell by the way Taeyong's eyes cloud over that the words hurt. Doyoung can taste the vomit on the back of his tongue. He bolts to his room before anyone can stop him - before he can lash out again. 

It is Johnny that comes to find him, easing slowly into the room like he's afraid of upsetting Doyoung. It makes Doyoung angry - he feels like he's being treated like a wild animal. He doesn't want to be coddled, he doesn't want to be treated differently. Being treated differently is all he's ever wanted, indulged. A war rages inside of him, confusion clouding his judgment, and fear making him irrational. 

Johnny doesn't try to touch him, doesn't stray to close. "We never meant to hurt you, Doyoung - we love you so much. I'm so angry at myself because I know I've hurt you. I'm so sorry. Tell me what you need." 

It's hard to explain - he isn't angry, isn't hurt, he knows that Johnny is a good alpha. He knows that Johnny never meant to cause him pain. All of this is Doyoung's fault. 

_Tell me what you need._ Doyoung doesn't know. He doesn't know what he is supposed to need. He doesn't want to disappoint by giving the wrong answer. Instead he changes the subject. "Is Taeyong upset." 

Johnny doesn't lie, "A little - he's baking." 

That sums it up perfectly for Doyoung, he feels like an ass, feels too much. "I want to go to sleep." 

"That's okay. Do you want me to leave?" 

"I," He isn't sure what he wants, is afraid of what rejecting the alpha will make him feel, but he wants to try, "could you - could we." He doesn't want to ask for something he might end up hating, but Johnny seems to get it. 

"Tell me if you change your mind - I won't be upset. You get to set your pace." He lays behind Doyoung with space between them. 

For a while, they stay like that, Doyoung feeling out his boundaries and Johnny waiting patiently. Doyoung leans back, the contact is soothing, the scent that surrounds him comforting. He indulges like he's never been able to before. Softly he admits, "I don't know what I'm supposed to need, I don't know what I want, I don't know anything."

"That's okay - we can figure it out together if you want."

He turns to face Johnny, burying himself in the elder's embrace.

.~.~.~.

"Isn't this something an omega should be doing." 

The last few days have been tense. Doyoung's daily trips to therapy where he comes back silent and refuses to eat. Taeyong realizes too late that the younger's comment has caused him to whisk too hard, ruining the silk texture of the chocolate he's mixing. He's ready to scold Haechan when Jaehyun interrupts. "I think it's time for us to head out." 

"Why? I don't wanna go." 

Doyoung's mood swings have put everyone on edge, Haechan is no exception. Soon Taeyong is going to run out of counter space. With Jaehyun seemingly ready to handle Haechan, Taeyong turns back to stress baking. 

"I'm taking you out of this dorm before Taeyong takes you out of this life." 

Jaehyun doesn't give the younger man a chance to argue, pulling him by the arm to the door. Haechan makes a point to pout and huff while he shoves his feet into his shoes. It doesn't bother Jaehyun. "How about some coffee?"

Haechan shrugs, keeping up his disgruntled teen image. Jaehyun lets him be, leads them silently to a coffee shop further away from the dorms to give them both plenty of time to think. Once they're sitting with drinks in front of them, Jaehyun breaches the silence. "Do you want to talk about why you're giving Taeyong such a hard time?"

"He's an alpha, shouldn't he have noticed? If I were presented…" Haechan doesn't finish, presented or not, no one in the group noticed. Jaehyun wonders why Haechan has been targeting Taeyong. 

"None of us noticed - or maybe we did, and we just didn't want to see it for what it was. I think we've all been running circles in our head trying to find the hints we must have missed, but hindsight's 20/20. It's not anyone's fault, Doyoung's never lied to us, none of us keep secrets." He's been combing through his memory trying to find signs that he has missed - he only almost found them. 

"I wear your underwear." 

Jaehyun kind of hopes that’s a bluff, but doesn’t question it refusing to be dragged off topic. "Not important secrets. The point is I think we all just looked at Doyoung's brother, their relationship, and Doyoung being an omega never fit with that. So stop trying to piss Taeyong off, he's stressed out enough, we all are. I know you are too. I also know you are very aware that every alpha provides in different ways, just like every omega has different desires."

"Exactly," Haechan says, "Doyoung's not even eating any of it - Ten is."

"No one's sure what Doyoung likes yet, Taeyong's just doing what he's good at, what he knows. We're all just winging it. It's cute that you're so offended on Doyoung's behalf."

Haechan doesn't comment sinking further into his chair, but the light flush that dusts his cheeks doesn't go unnoticed by Jaehyun. He's ready to press the younger, maybe tease him a little, when they're interrupted. 

It's Doyoung's brother, a broad smile on his face. "Hey! How are you guys doing?"

It makes Jaehyun's stomach twist because he has trouble rectifying the man he thought Gongmyung was with who he clearly really is. Seeing Mrs. Kim a few feet away makes his jaw clench. Jaehyun has a second to think he needs to muzzle Haechan, but it's too late. Haechan is teenage rage and rebellion, righteous anger. "How could you let Doyoung do that to himself? Hiding that he's an omega." 

"Hiding? Is this about him using scent blocker," he looks genuinely puzzled, "he's self-conscious. No one's been giving him a hard time, right?" 

"He's on suppressants," Haechan scoffs, "He said your mother made him." 

Gongmyung turns sharply to face his mother, eyes wide and imploring. It's dawning on Jaehyun that the members weren't the only ones in the dark. They really shouldn't be having this conversation here. 

Gongmyung says, "He uses scent blocking spray because he presented early - he was embarrassed, but that's all." There's no conviction in words, though, as he speaks to his mother, emploring, "Right?"

As the woman approaches, Jaehyun reaches across the table to grab on to Haechan, hoping to calm him, like leashing a dog. She says, "It was important that he take them."

Jaehyun has always found it fascinating to watch alpha's like Johnny and Gongmyung who make themselves smaller, less intimidating - straighten to square off. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Mrs. Kim is the type of alpha who is always projecting, always at her full height, and she doesn't flinch at her son's posturing. "He's my baby, my sweet, gentle baby and - I walked into that living room, and I could smell it." 

"There's nothing wrong with being an omega!" She scoffs, looks at Haechan like he's a speck of dirt on her shoes and Jaehyun's kind of proud of the way the younger boy doesn't back down. 

"I could smell what that bastard wanted to do to him! He was so young, and I just - for the first time I was afraid, he was so young I wanted to keep him safe." 

"You could have killed him," Haechan hisses - standing Jaehyun pulls him closer. 

"He was supposed to find a nice pack, stop taking them, I cut him off months ago. If he's just now going off of them, then that's on him." 

Haechan laughs, a harsh, bitter sound, and Jaehyun says, "I think we should go." He doesn't let the younger boy argue, pulling him by the back of the shirt to lead him out of the store. 

Gongmyung catches them on the street. "How's he doing? Can I see him?" 

"The pack's taking care of him. His therapist said he should be avoiding stress, so it's probably not a good idea right now."

It isn't until they are in the safety of the dream dorm that Haechan begins to cry. The kids are watching a movie with Ten and Sicheng. Jaemin is the first on his feet ready to console. Jaehyun lets go of Haechan's hand, watches as he is pulled away by the omega, Jeno is quick to follow.

Renjun burrows further into Sicheng's side, looking disgruntled. Jaehyun takes up space by Ten, the soothing vanilla is harder for him to catch but calming all the same. Jaehyun is grateful for the action movie playing on the screen, not needing to know the plot to get lost in the excitement of explosions. Soon Renjun leaves the room following the path the other members had taken before. Chenle takes up he's vacated spot, sitting on Sicheng's lap. 

When the movie's over, he checks on Haechan before leaving, finding the four boys packed onto a single bed. Jeno looks uncomfortable pushed against the wall, and Renjun looks seconds away from tumbling to the floor, but they're all fast asleep. 

"Are you staying?" 

Sicheng shrugs, "I don't want to wake him." Referring to Chenle, sleeping in his lap. 

They've all been spending extra time in the dream dorm, keeping a close eye on the kids while trying not to make it seem like they're keeping an eye on the kids. Ten throws his arm around Jaehyun's shoulders.

"Carry me." he whines. 

Jaehyun laughs, "Your legs are working fine." 

He pouts. 

"That won't work on me." 

"Damn beta." Ten jokes. 

In the hallway between dorms, joking with Ten, everything feels like it will be fine. The allusion is broken when they enter the dorm. There's yelling, and a loud crash comes from the kitchen before Doyoung is rounding the corner nearly bulldozing right through them, Ten catches him. Johnny is hot on his heels. 

Crying, Doyoung demands, “Let me go, just let me. If you just let me, everything will be better.” 

Ten blurts, "You smell like honey." And Doyoung's features distort further. Jaehyun's ready to step between them if he needs to. "It's wonderful Doyoung. You smell amazing." 

Another sob escapes Doyoung’s mouth as he tips headfirst into Ten's chest. "Johnny doesn't he smell amazing?" Ten asks from over Doyoung’s shoulder. The look he gives the alpha is intense like if Johnny answers wrong, Ten’ll tear his balls off. 

"Yeah - yeah, it reminds me of American honeysuckle. It's really nice. It really is." 

"Have you eaten? I'll make you something." Ten offers, fully embracing Doyoung.

"You'll burn the house down," Doyoung says, words muffled against Ten's chest. 

"I can make noodles." 

The two omegas move toward the kitchen, where Taeyong is cleaning the mess that was made. Taeyong is so relieved to see Doyoung eat that he can't bring himself to intervene when Ten starts to cook, or suggest something healthier. He’s too relieved to be surprised by the turn of events. Stupidly grateful that Doyoung is letting someone care for him, even if it’s only for a moment. 

Johnny bangs his head against the wall twice. "I'm an idiot. I thought if I didn't mention his scent, he wouldn't freak out about it." Now he realizes that by not acknowledging the younger's scent, he'd unwittingly made Doyoung feel self-conscious and caused the latest incident.

"We ran into Gongmyung and Mrs. Kim." Jaehyun tells him about what happened. "I may have lied and told him he couldn't visit because Doyoung's therapist said so."

"You lied? I didn't know you had it in you."

Jaehyun shrugs, "Didn't really want anyone but pack around." 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter, but I couldn't fit everything. So one more chapter to go! Just a warning the last chapter will not be safe for work - last chapter is why this story is rated mature. 
> 
> I want to thank all of you for being so patient with me and I hope you enjoyed this update!
> 
> Question: How are you guys holding up? Everyone doing okay?
> 
> Hopefully all of you are staying safe and healthy ❤


	5. Recovery

**Recovery**

_Noun_

the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost _._

* * *

Doyoung pushes around the last pieces of fruit left in the bowl in front of him and contemplates begging Yuta to let him toss what is left. He doesn't have the energy for an argument, reasons with himself that at least it isn't the plate of food Taeyong typically fixes for him. In quick succession, he pops the remaining three pieces in his mouth, chewing morosely.   
  
Yuta upends the bottle in his hand, a single pill tumbling into Doyoung's waiting palm. The last pill. It makes his heart speed uncomfortably in his chest. A panicked feeling bubbling beneath the surface that he tries to ignore. He takes the tablet with the water Yuta poured for him. After all this time he still grimaces at the taste.   
  
Neither of them speaks, and the dorm is silent. The other members out for the day fulfilling commitments: interviews, photoshoots, dance practices. Things that Doyoung isn't allowed to do right now. He feels like a failure, defective and weak. When he moves to lay on the couch, Yuta lets him. Never strays too far, giving him space without letting Doyoung out of his sight. It makes Doyoung feel like a child.  
  
Waves of emotions roll over him, doubt forming storm clouds above him, shame raining down on him, claps of raging thunder sounding in his head. He thinks of the empty bottle Yuta tossed in the trash. Fear fills him. This is familiar. He tries to breathe through it, as his therapist taught him. Tries to hear the encouraging words, but they are drowned out by crashing water. Belatedly, he realizes the water that fills him is leaking out. He doesn't have the energy to wipe the wetness from his face.  
  
"Please." He doesn't recognize his own voice. He doesn't bolt for the door, though, doesn't try to sneak out. He wonders if his therapist would be proud of the improvement or disappointed that he's still begging, pleading for something he knows no one will grant him.  
  
Yuta doesn't look disappointed as he puts down the manga he'd been reading, moving to crouch in front of Doyoung. Calmly he pushes away the rivulets of water streaking down Doyoung's face with gentle hands.   
  
"How are you feeling?" Doyoung grunts, unwilling to vocalize the self-deprecating thoughts filling his head. "Do you want to call your therapist?"  
  
Minhyuk, a beta with small eyes and a kind smile - had said to call him if he felt overwhelmed if he needed someone to talk to if he needed someone to listen. He declines, he's supposed to be working on communicating with his members. He sits up, pulling his legs into his chest, making room for Yuta to sit - he takes the silently offered seat smoothly.  
  
"I'm scared," Doyoung admits, voice small. "I don't know what's going to happen with my - _heat_."  
  
He doesn't mean to say it like it's a dirty word, but there is a cloud dark like crude oil hovering in the back of his mind promising carnage. Oozing, reminding him of isolation and loathing. Terrorizing him with doubts - what if's. If his own mother could turn on him, couldn't his members do the same? What if there is something he can't remember about his first heat - what if he deserved everything he got?   
  
"I think that's pretty normal - being scared. Can you tell me what you're expecting?"  
  
He huffs, unsure how to refine the smog into words, afraid to vocalize his fears. He settles for, "I just don't want to be alone." He doesn't want to be abandoned again.   
  
Yuta smiles, reassuring, "Then you won't be alone - all you have to do is ask. Whatever you need, whatever you want, all you have to do is tell us."  
  
Emotion burns Doyoung's eyes, he buries his face into his arms, not wanting Yuta to see. "Thank you," he says, the words weighted and wet because he believes Yuta.   
  
He feels Yuta shift, soft hands coaxing him open until he's unfurling, spilling into Yuta's arms. Breathing in, he surrounds himself with magnolias. Sighing out, he wills away the doubts that are plaguing him.   
  
"Will you help me," he asks it like a secret, whispering onto the skin of Yuta's neck. "I want you to help me, but I'm worried. I'm afraid you'll be disappointed, or that I'll do something wrong, or that I won't be good enough." _Not fit for use_.  
  
"Of course, I'll help you; but, is that what your experiences with sex have been like before?"  
  
"It didn't matter if it felt good. It didn't matter if they didn't think I was good. It matters with you and Johnny and." He stops talking abruptly, pressing his face into Yuta's shoulder until it's hard to breathe as heat rises to his face.   
  
He's getting ahead of himself. He feels like a whore for wanting, dirty and wrong, exactly what his mother must have feared he would be when he presented.  
  
"Look at me." Yuta requests, coaxing once more with gentle hands until Doyoung is setting up. "No one's expecting anything from you, but if you want Johnny or Taeyong, or all of us to help you, all you have to do is ask, okay?"  
  
Doyoung nods trying not to let shame overwhelm him. It earns him a smile, full, and healing.  
  
"We all want you to be comfortable. I want you to know that it's okay." Hand on his face tracing the lines of his mouth. "It's okay to talk about - to ask for what you want."  
  
Hand trailing down his neck, shoulder, arm, tangling their fingers together. "It's okay to touch." Yuta kisses the palm of his hand. "It's important to find your boundaries and to say stop when you don't like something." Yuta lets go.  
  
Heart hammering in his chest, Doyoung asks for something that he wants. "Will you kiss me?"  
  
Yuta does a soft press of lips. It's overwhelming, he feels dizzy with relief, that inner part of him that he has always denied signing in pleasure. With a taste, he's suddenly aware that he is starving.   
  
It isn't enough.   
  
Doyoung pushes forward, reconnecting their mouths. Again. And Again. Each kiss longer than the one before it until the simple press of their lips evolves into Doyoung licking his way into Yuta's mouth.  
  
Breaking away, Yuta asks, "is it okay if I touch you here." Placing warm hands onto Doyoung's hips, it's pleasant, makes him feel grounded.   
  
He nods, "I like that."  
  
In his impetuous need, he grounds down, rocking in Yuta's lap. His mind catches up to the action, he abruptly stops, air sticking in his lungs as he stiffens—unsure, afraid.   
  
"Breathe - talk to me. Is it too much? Do you want to stop?"   
  
"No - I. Is this okay?"   
  
They're on the couch, if the members come back, they'll see them. He looks around the space, Yuta catches on.  
  
"Afraid someone will see? I think they'd enjoy it. Bet Johnny would be jealous."   
  
Doyoung chokes, caught between a gasp and a squeal. "Yu-ta!" He scolds, face no doubt flaming, as he slaps Yuta's shoulder.   
  
"Too much? I'm sorry."   
  
The apology means nothing with the way Yuta's grinning, shaking, trying to hold in a laugh. The nervous tension that had been making Doyoung ridged pops - he laughs, too. Kissing Yuta again, more freely this time. Yuta is safe. Yuta is lewd jokes and honest smiles. He's a friend that has always taken care of Doyoung, and Doyoung trusts him.   
  
Again, Yuta encourages him with hands on hips. "Take what you want - you're so beautiful when you do."  
  
The crude oil cloud that has been holding him hostage loosens and dims. With Yuta's encouragement, he feels his confidence growing. His skin feels less tight and more like his own.  
  
.~.~.~.~.~.  
  
Taeyong offers his hand as they walk the empty halls, footsteps echoing. Doyoung thinks he should feel childish for taking it, but he only finds comfort in the gesture. There's a bit of guilt simmering because he knows Taeyong is busy; still, he's accompanying Doyoung to the doctor. Likely his last appointment before his heat hits.   
  
His feet burn with desire to run - there's a tiny voice in his head that has been growing in intensity recently that cheers him forward. It sounds suspiciously like his own voice. He wishes he knew how to amplify that courage.   
  
The nurse waves them straight back when they enter, the same welcoming smile softening her features. More blood, more prodding, Doyoung holds steady to Taeyong's hand, fiddling with his fingers while they wait for the doctor.   
  
The doctor's grin is broad as she enters, holding up his file. "No more pills," she says like she's congratulating him. "How are you feeling?"  
  
He thinks the reminder should unnerve him, but strangely, "I'm feeling pretty good."  
  
"That's good. This sort of thing isn't easy, but you've done an amazing job."  
  
He thinks of the scratches he left on Johnny's arms as he begged for more pills, more time, braced for the water to finally consume him for good. He thinks of the outrageous things he said to Ten, determined to make the omega feel as terrible as he did. Nothing is impressive about how he's handled the last few weeks. Taeyong squeezes his hand like he knows Doyoung is thinking negative things.  
  
She sobers, "Are you ready for the results?"  
  
He nods, breath catching in his throat. He isn't ready.  
  
"I want you to keep in mind that some of the results are speculative. You'll have to experience a heat to be sure. However, I want you aware of the possibilities so that you aren't surprised. Okay?"  
  
She waits until Doyoung agrees with a choked out, "Okay." Before she continues.  
  
"Your hormones are still out of balance, this will likely lead to an extreme heat. It may be hard for you to take care of your basic needs on your own, but it's important that you eat and get plenty of fluids. You'll also need to keep a close eye on your temperature, as it could spike to a dangerous degree - I'll prescribe you a fever reducer just in case. Do you have someone to help you with this?"  
  
She doesn't look at Taeyong, doesn't assume, Doyoung appreciates the sentiment but also wishes that Taeyong could just handle everything. He still doubts, still worries that he's a burden. He thinks of the time Yuta spent with him yesterday, his face heats as he answers. "Yes."  
  
"Unfortunately, some of the pills' side effects may be permanent, the cramps and pain you experienced while taking the suppressants could persist. You'll likely still be susceptible to the actions, and moods of the alphas around you - both hopefully to a lesser degree than before. It's important that you also prepare for the possibility that you may not be able to produce your own lubricant. I want you to keep in mind that some of the things I mention can change as your hormones balance out after your heat and others we may be able to manage with medication. Do you have any questions?"  
  
"No." It sounds weak to Doyoung's ears - if the doctor says anything else, he doesn't hear it. Mind a whirlwind of nightmare scenarios. His uncle's words repeat in his head - not fit for use. He worries that he has broken himself beyond repair.   
  
Taeyong handles the prescription, and soon they are heading home. His mind sticks on how Taeyong doesn't mention anything that the doctor told them about. Only offers a soft, "It'll be okay."  
  
His mind gets hung up on the fact that Taeyong hasn't brought up him becoming pack since finding out he is an omega. He worries that he's too broken for the pack. Why would the members want someone like him in the pack? At home, he pulls free of Taeyong. The leader lets him go, watches him take the path to his bedroom.   
  
Taeyong wonders if he should follow, try to talk to him. But the door to the omegas room might as well be a brick wall, and Taeyong isn't sure how to breach it. Yuta had told them what happened because the pack doesn't keep secrets. He tries not to feel jealous, tries not to feel anything other than happy for Doyoung - grateful that the omega is finally letting someone close. Still, it niggles at the back of his mind. He knows Johnny feels the same.  
  
Before he can let his thoughts spiral, before he can crash into Doyoung's room like a wrecking ball, pressuring him to let Taeyong help like he is desperate to do, Mark calls for his help. "Haechan and Jaemin are threatening mutiny."  
  
Taeyong follows Mark back to the dream dorm, they're greeted by Jaemin protesting. "I'm an omega too, I should be able to see him! Ten gets to see him."   
  
With Doyoung's moods being unpredictable, swinging suddenly to volatile, most members have been staying clear, allowing the alphas to handle the situation. The time the youngest members have been able to spend with Doyoung has been limited - mostly passing glances.  
  
Haechan adds, "This isn't fair! He's our family, our pack, we should be able to see him."  
  
"You have seen him." Johnny points out.  
  
"Not really and never for long!"  
  
Taeyong tries to soothe, "Think of it like being on tour."  
  
"This is nothing like being on tour." Renjun huffs, jaw clicking, looking torn between cursing and crying.  
  
Taeyong doesn't know how to proceed, how to make things better.  
  
Doyoung breaks the stalemate. "Is everything okay?"  
  
Yuta stands behind the omega, shrugging when Taeyong catches his gaze.  
  
The kids swarm and Doyoung welcomes it with open arms and apologizes. Taeyong thinks there may be tears in Jaemin’s eyes as he clings to Doyoung. "I promise when things settle down, we can cook together again, we'll spend the whole day together. Don't give Johnny and Taeyong a hard time because of me."  
  
Jaemin, Haechan, and Renjun talk over each other.  
  
"They can't keep you from us." "What if they deserve it?" "We weren't."  
  
Doyoung laughs, a wet happy sound, "after this is over, you won't be able to get rid of me. But, right now, I can't stay."  
  
Doyoung hushes their whines, reminds them, "Soon, we can spend time together soon. Things will be better - I promise I won't let you down again. I'll be better. Will you guys be patient for me for just a while longer?"  
  
Again the kids talk over each other: Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle.  
  
"You haven't let us down." "We love you, always." "Feel better, Hyung."  
  
Another round of hugs before Doyoung requested. "Can I talk to you, Johnny?"  
  
Johnny follows Doyoung back to their dorm, Doyoung twitching the whole way with nervous tension. He doesn't have a lot of time; any day now, his heat will start. If Johnny is going to help him, Doyoung needs to ask him now.   
  
Johnny makes him feel like he's going to burst out of his skin with embarrassment because he wants. Yuta had reassured him; still, doubt makes him hesitate. Johnny waits, enduring the silence calmly.   
  
"Will you." He stops, struggles because he doesn't want to be too forward. Settles on, "If I ask you to help me with my heat, what would you say?" Eyes trained on the floor in case of rejection - he won't have to see the look of disgust on Johnny's face.   
  
"I would say: yes, it would be an honor to help you."  
  
Doyoung risks a glance, blushing at the unabashed grin stretching across Johnny's face as the alpha prompts. "Do you have something you'd like to ask me?"  
  
He huffs, embarrassed. "Will - will you help me with my heat?"  
  
"Yes, it would be an honor." With an open palm, Johnny persuades him closer. Doyoung takes it, falls into Johnny's embrace as natural as breathing - feeling lighter, knowing Johnny will be there.  
  
.~.~.~.~.~.  
  
Ten pets his hair, smoothing it flat, it's soothing. Doyoung wants to be angry at the other, but the feeling just isn't there anymore. He knows that Taeyong, Yuta, and Johnny are around, filtering in and out helping the other members move the items they'll need to the dream dorm. Doyoung knows they're trying to give him space, before his heat hits. He's nervous, and the waiting is killing him, but it's nice having Ten close.  
  
He doesn't have long, time ticking down quickly, he tries to gather his courage, push his uncertainty aside. There is something he needs to do before he loses himself to emotion and fever.  
  
"Can you get Taeyong for me?"  
  
Ten smiles, knowing, leaving without protest.  
  
Taeyong fills him with anxiety - he isn't sure where he stands with the alpha. Taeyong has taken him to doctor's appointments, holding his hand in assurance. Doyoung denied Taeyong's request for him to become a pack member, so why would he accept Doyoung's request now.   
  
"Ten said you asked for me. Is something wrong? Do you feel okay?"   
  
Padding to the bed, he places a hand to Doyoung's forehead, habitual. Doyoung is reminded of the times Taeyong cared for him when the pills made him ill. He blurts, "Will you lay with me?"  
  
Taeyong does, occupying the space beside Doyoung comfortably, a practiced motion. Doyoung takes the opportunity to nestle close, indulging in the closeness. Simply because he can - he has nothing left to hide.  
  
"Thank you for always taking such good care of me."  
  
Taeyong pulls him impossibly closer. "Always."  
  
Doyoung swallows down his nerves. "Even during my heat? Will you take care of me then too?"  
  
"If you want me too - if you'll let me, of course."  
  
"I want you to."  
  
Taeyong places a gentle kiss on his head. He feels a little silly for being so worried. With Taeyong's scent surrounding him, he feels safe, anchored. Sleep takes him suddenly and without his permission.  
  
His time runs out the next day. He whimpers into Ten's side as discomfort and warmth fill him. Ocean roaring in the distance makes him tremble.   
  
"I'm scared," Doyoung admits, feeling small in the path of what's coming.  
  
"What will help you feel safe?"  
  
"I just - if things get terrible, it will still be okay, right?"  
  
He turns imploring eyes to Ten, pleading for reassurance. He's tentative, hopeful that this heat will be different than his first, but the child inside him is unconvinced, suspicious. A part of him is still ready to dive headfirst into the dark depths to avoid potential hurt.   
  
"Johnny, Yuta, and Taeyong can handle anything. You talked to them, you know they aren't going to judge you or take advantage of you. They'll take good care of you, or I'll make them regret it."  
  
The threat makes him smile, he can imagine the hell Ten could unleash. He turns solemn when he admits. "I'm afraid of losing control, of not being myself."  
  
_Extreme heat_ : he shudders at the thought of what that might mean.  
  
"They'll always help you find yourself, make sure you have your senses about you because that's what you want."  
  
"Don't leave yet, please. I'm not ready."  
  
Ten places a gentle kiss on his head, "I'm not going anywhere."  
  
His skin feels too hot, he knows he won't be able to ignore it for much longer. He clings tighter to Ten needing the contact, soothing himself with big inhales of the omega's scent. It isn't enough. He knows Ten won't leave him, knows that the alphas won't come until he asks for them.  
  
"I'm hot," he whines, twinged with distress. The heat of his skin is nothing like a summer's day.   
  
"Do you want one of the alpha's or do you want me to stay longer."  
  
Instinct, he leans into it, lets that base desire guide him. "Johnny."  
  
Ten places a final kiss to his head, promising, "It will be okay."   
  
Leaving, he pulls the door shut behind him, it's like being propelled into the past. The panic is swift and crushing, consuming. Doyoung's crying out before he realizes it, tears springing to his eyes, stomach cramping painfully, he curls into himself. "Please, no, please!"  
  
"It's okay, it's okay. Tell me what's wrong." Moss, gentle, soothing.  
  
"Don't lock me in - I don't want to be alone, I'll be good. Please don't."  
  
Johnny pulls Doyoung into his lap. "We can leave the door open. You're not alone."  
  
He shakes in Johnny's arms, trying to hide. He asks weakly, "What about the others?"   
  
"It's just Taeyong, Yuta, and Ten. They won't mind, I promise."  
  
The door stays open. Doyoung can hear muffled sounds that might be Taeyong in the kitchen. It eases him a little, settles the part of him that is stuck at thirteen, forever abandoned in his childhood room. He's not alone now.  
  
"What can I do?" Johnny asks, resting against the headboard, shuffling Doyoung to rest between his legs.  
  
"I don't know - I don't know what I want." The words tremble like the rest of him. Johnny applies pressure to his sternum in soothing circles. Doyoung tries to copy his even breathing. Focusing on the in and out, inhale, and exhale.   
  
"Better?"  
  
Nodding, the panicked feeling has passed, leaving Doyoung feeling fragile. He loses himself to the scent that surrounds him, settles on an endless rivers edge. Time stretches, he dozes, back pressed to Johnny's chest, the rise and fall like the push and pull of water. He squirms, needing something. Like an itch, he can't scratch, it keeps him from falling into a deep sleep.  
  
"What do you remember about your first heat?" The timber of Johnny's voice rouses him further.  
  
"I was terrified - I didn't know what was happening at first. Then she - my mom, locked me in my room. I was lonely. I don't want to be alone."  
  
"You won't be alone this time, I promise. What else, tell me about how you felt. How was the heat?"  
  
He shifts again, skin too warm, too tight. Johnny settles him with a hand against his stomach, caressing. "Felt like I had been out in the sun too long, but it wasn't so bad."  
  
"Did you touch yourself?"  
  
He groans while trying to turn and hide, but Johnny won't let him.   
  
"Don't be embarrassed. You can tell me."  
  
"Only my," he gestures to his front, "was so wet, but I didn't know how, and I was scared it would hurt." Admitting that makes him aware that despite his dick straining against his sweats, there's no sticky slick between his legs. A horrified wail swells painfully in his chest.  
  
"I'm not, "he chokes, "There's nothing - I'm broken."  
  
He wants Johnny to let him go; he wants to be comforted. He struggles to try to sit up, whining because he really has fucked himself up.  
  
"Shh, it's okay. You're not broken, you're not. Do you want me to help you?"  
  
He sinks into Johnny's firm hold, wondering if Johnny can fix him. Curious, he nods, trusting Johnny.  
  
"Can I touch you there?"  
  
Again he nods. He goes easily when Johnny shifts him, turning him to rest on his front. Everything feels too much; anxiety bubbles up inside him, making him clamp his jaw tight. He can't see Johnny can't tell if the alpha is pleased. Doyoung whines craning his neck awkwardly. Johnny lifts him effortlessly, placing a pillow beneath his hips that Doyoung rocks unconsciously into it.   
  
"I need you to talk to me, okay? Can I take your sweat pants off?"  
  
He takes deep breaths, reaches blindly for Johnny, who grasps his hand before crowding close. "Talk to me - tell me what you want." Johnny nuzzles the words against his neck.  
  
"Take them off, please." He's hot, he needs Johnny to help him. Too hot, he adds, "the shirt too."  
  
Johnny complies, easing him out of his clothes, it makes Doyoung sigh out of relief. The cold air of the room feels lovely. Open mouth kisses starting between his shoulders, trailing down the curve of his spine, cause his skin to tingle. It startles him to feel Johnny's tongue wet and warm between his cheeks. A large hand placed at the small of his back to keep him in place, patting soothingly, as Johnny devours him until he is dripping and begging.   
  
"Please."  
  
"Tell me what you want, you can have it, but you have to tell me."  
  
Doyoung believes him. "I need to come."  
  
"Can you come like this, with my mouth?" Doyoung shakes his head, it's not enough, "How about with my fingers."  
  
" _Yes_."  
  
One, then two, Johnny crooks his fingers, rubbing, and Doyoung is coming.  
  
"You're so beautiful, Doyoung."  
  
He turns, this time Johnny lets him. Johnny follows when Doyoung pulls him down onto him, wanting the alpha close. Johnny's hard in his sweats and a new want blooms, so he asks, "Can I suck you off?"  
  
"Is that what you want?"  
  
He nods eagerly, and Johnny lets him have what he wants, just like he said he would.  
  
Later, Johnny leaves briefly to get water and food. Doyoung eats, drinks, his heat a mild itch under his skin. They talk, and when he wants, he asks, "Will you - please." Rocking the swell of his ass back, bold against Johnny. His face coloring.   
  
"How do you want it?"  
  
"Just like this."  
  
Johnny delivers, his weight pressing Doyoung into the mattress, anchoring him while he clutches a pillow. A hand behind his knee, opening him, giving Johnny space to ease into his tight hole. Fucking into him with slow, powerful thrusts just like Doyoung asks him too. His aching cock leaks where it's wedged between his stomach and the sheets.  
  
"Let me hear you," Johnny requests, pulling away the pillow Doyoung had been muffling his sounds with.  
  
He's too far gone to care that the others can likely hear him. He comes with a high pitched whine when Johnny tells him to, exhausted and sated. He falls asleep with Johnny pressed against him, murmuring praises into his hair.   
  
He wakes on fire, delirious with it. Nothing is enough. It's painful. He thrashes, wants Taeyong's loving care. He must ask for the alpha in his haze. Taeyong brings him a pill, slips it into his mouth, adding water before he can protest. He cries as the alpha commends him, showering him with compliments.   
  
Taeyong follows it with food, but Doyoung doesn't want it. The chocolate Taeyong places on his tongue is too rich. The granola he encourages Doyoung to try is too hard and dry. He leaves and returns with stir fry, but it settles too heavily in Doyoung's stomach so he pushes it away.   
  
He pushes it all away, but Taeyong persists.  
  
"Please, you have to eat something."   
  
"It's good, see," Taeyong takes a bite, trying to demonstrate.   
  
It makes Doyoung whine, tears springing to his eyes - he doesn't want to disappoint, but the food isn't what he wants. He kisses the alpha, and Taeyong lets him. Kisses him again, chasing the taste of peach. The sweetness is perfect, and Doyoung pursues the taste. He allows Taeyong to hand-feed him pieces of fruit between kisses. Licks the juices from his hand, chasing rivulets down his wrist, crawling into his lap.   
  
Taeyong holds him close, rocking him gently while whispering praises into his ear. He kisses Doyoung. Lets Doyoung rut against him frenzied, clouded by heat. Burying his face into Taeyong's neck, he settles, let's rose petals cover him and falls into a fitful sleep under their soft weight.   
  
When he wakes, he's aware of the gross feel of his skin of the traces of fruit juice left behind. Yuta has replaced Taeyong's presence. He laughs at the face Doyoung makes, offering. "Do you want to take a bath?"   
  
"Only if you take one with me."  
  
Yuta agrees, helping Doyoung to the bathroom in a fashion that is becoming routine. This time there is no phone, no sitting beside the tub - he joins Doyoung in the bath.   
  
"How long was I asleep for?"  
  
The sun was shining through his bedroom window. Every time he's been awake, the sun has been filtering in around the edges of his curtains - it's disconcerting. "You were out of it for a couple of days. Taeyong was ready to take you to the hospital, but your fever finally broke for good last night."  
  
With steady hands, Yuta washes away the last couple of days of heat, sweat, and mess.   
  
"Can we do this all the time?" Doyoung blurts. He doesn't know why he asks, feels silly for wanting this outside of this window of time.  
  
But Yuta hums his accent from behind Doyoung. "Yeah, we can do this whenever you want. I like it."  
  
Yuta helps him dress, he has no desire to spend any more time in bed. Plus, he's starving. Taeyong makes him lunch, and he spends the day watching television cuddled under a shared blanket with Yuta.  
  
~.~.~.~.~  
  
There's a breeze blowing through his open window as he strips his sheets from the bed, eager to have his room clean. The last prickle of heat had finally faded. Taeyong stops him with arms around his waist, pulling him away from the task at hand. He grumbles, but Taeyong reminds him, "The kids are waiting for you. I can take care of this."  
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
Taeyong reassures him, shoving him toward the door. He feels happy when Taeyong runs a hand across his neck, scenting. He finds himself beaming, feeling free in a way he never has before, accepted, and safe.  
  
The dream dorm erupts in cheers when he enters.   
  
"Oh, it's so good to see you," Jaehyun cries while passing right past him. "The kids are _scary_."  
  
He's surrounded in seconds, chatter feeling the room before Jaemin hushes everyone informing him. "We have the ingredients to make cookies - you'll help us make them."  
  
It's a familiar comfort to be in the same small kitchen as Jaemin, Chenle, Jeno, Renjun, and Haechan. The general chaos hasn't changed. He's changed. He's changing, but this is the same. It is the most reassuring thing. He laughs, ecstatic he can still have this, astonished that the kids still want these moments with him. For so long, he'd been positive that they'd never forgive him, that they'd be disgusted by him.   
  
Jaemin asks later when the rest of the members have run off with the plate of cookies, leaving Doyoung to clean-up, "You're not ashamed, right? I mean - you don't think there's anything wrong with being an omega, do you?"  
  
He knows his actions are the reason Jaemin picks at the threads of his shirt, a nervous, self conscious tick. He hasn't found the words yet that encapsulate all the feelings and emotions that have plagued him. He settles for, "You know when you presented, I was jealous and really proud of you. I wanted to have that confidence."  
  
"Do you have that confidence now?"  
  
He wishes; but, he knows his wounds will not heal overnight. His doubts and fear will not dissipate like morning dew simple because they have been dragged into the light.  
  
"No. Not yet, but maybe with a little help. Maybe you could teach me."  
  
~.~.~.~.~  
"It's okay for you to say no, I'll understand and - and we'll all love you the same."   
  
Doyoung waits impatiently for him to spit the question out, eager for it. Anxiety has been marching across his sink like ants - terrified Taeyong wouldn't ask, wouldn't want him anymore.  
  
"Will you join the pack? If you need time to think about it then that's fine."  
  
"Yes."   
  
But Taeyong's nervous chatter drowns him out, he huffs as the words continue. "You can take all the time you need."  
  
"Taeyong, I said Yes. _Yes_."  
  
Taeyong says, "Thank-you," like Doyoung has answered his prayers. It makes warm tears flood his eyes because he should be thanking Taeyong for all his endless patients, waiting for him, for still wanting him. He tells him as much. "I should be thanking you."  
  
Taeyong tilts his head - curious, waiting for Doyoung to elaborate. So, he does, "I was afraid you wouldn't ask again, or that I would be too broken for you to want anymore - damaged goods."  
  
Taeyong looks appalled. "You've always been family to us - you always will be. You're not a plate or a glass, you're not a product. You're a person, flawed? Maybe. But we all are, so don't ever think that we don't want you because we do. Even if you'd said no again, I would have worked harder, done more to make you feel loved and comfortable, and asked again."  
  
Words get stuck in Doyoung's throat, unable to speak for fear of choking, he tips headfirst into Taeyong's arms, grateful.   
  
Doyoung's beginning to see that he has worth to the pack outside of his status, for who he is as a person. The tide is a distant thing, miles away he can't hear it. He feels at home. In Taeyong's arms, he feels welcome - _loved_.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! It's done! Holy crap if you have stuck with this from the beginning Thank you so much - I hope you enjoy this last chapter.
> 
> One last question: What was your favorite part? What did you like the least? From story line to structure, even just a line of dialogue.
> 
> I don't want this to be the last story I write and I want the next one to be even better - constructive criticism will help with that.
> 
> Once again a huge thank you to everyone reading this, everyone who hit the kudos button, and everyone that has left a comment! I've enjoyed writing this, and have loved hearing your opinions.


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